A man of extremes

Age: 26
Born: Eurasberg, Germany
Lives Now: Königsdorf, Germany

Reading time:
~88 minutes

February 2016
India, Goa

The first 2 years I was living in Eurasberg.. and my parents, did just.. they rented a flat there and my father was working like crazy. Well, I cannot remember, but these are just like the stories, how it started. My mother also started working again and so I was given around to all of my family and I was the first child of the whole family. Like, from my fathers brothers and sisters, and my mothers brothers and sisters. I was the first child, so the grandmothers really loved me. I think that is important, I think very, very, very important to me, that I was given love from all sides. Because everyone was waiting for years for a baby. And… yeah, there I was. You know, everybody was like cuddling me, taking care of me, yeah everybody really cared about me. If I compare to the children that are coming now into the family, they’re like, “Ok.” Most of the time, let’s say maybe only 30 to 40%, are only really caring about the baby, other ones are just laying around and I was always being cared. You know, even when I was sleeping somebody was holding me. So.. I think this is one of the main reasons.. I also wrote to my mom last year for christmas, because in Sri Lanka I got a clear mind and I was thinking back on my life and wrote to my mother.. and to my grandmothers, that they were the reason for me having such a big heart, because today I think I’m not like most of the others in my generation. Which, you know.. they don’t care. If they steal, they don’t feel bad. For example, I cannot steal, I can really not steal. Once in my life, when I was like 10 with my friend, in the supermarket, he was like: “Hey, let’s get this chewing gum.” and I was thinking: “Ok, I have to be cool now.” and we got this chewing gum. I still remember it now, because it was so.. I felt so bad for it. You cannot imagine. Yeah, I think this comes from this family love I had. Because I was never, like on the street. This.. until I was, yeah.. probably until now, my family is caring a lot, a lot, a lot about me. So I always felt special.

Then we moved to Königsdorf, when I was 2. There my parents bought their first house and my father was working, like.. hell. Oh and I got another brother, my second brother was born and.. then we moved to this house, but you know, until I’m 6 I really don’t remember, this is just the basics, on how my whole life is based. And.. then when I was 4 I had a huge crash with a car and I still, I don’t know how it happened, nobody knows how this could happen. I was with my mother and 2 other mothers at a.. ice-cream store and.. yeah I was 4, you know how to deal on the street, I could walk since I was 2 so I didn’t need to be on my mothers hand all the time. We were standing on the street and waiting that we can cross the street and I was just running into the traffic. Without any reason. You know.. 1, 2, 3, boom and the first car hit me. Going 50. For 10 minutes I was not there, not dead, but they could not wake me up. Then I was in the ambulance going to the hospital.
I still remember this one scene.. I’m still asking myself, but I probably never can answer this question.. Once when I was young, my mother told me this story. When I was in the ambulance, I opened my eyes and asked my mother “Do I have to die now?” I remember this.. like a picture in my mind. Looking into my mothers face and she’s crying like hell. I only saw light, a lot of light, I think. Then I thought that I have to die, somehow. But then they fixed me and after I had like huge brain shock, but nothing was broken. But my lips, eyes and all was cut, but no bone was broken. Pretty super lucky. My mother said I was flying 10-15 metres. The only things from the hospital that I remember is that everybody brought me presents and I still can remember all, well most of the presents hahah. Like this uncle— I was like: “Wow fuck.. this nice robot”. The woman who hit me gave me like a radio-controlled motorboat for going on the lake. So for me at this time it was not hard, but today I was at a osteopath and he said that my body is totally twisted, in a very specific way. He’s sure that it’s a trauma and osteopaths call it ‘jump trauma’. That at some point in your life, your body wanted to jump.. away.. or whatever. This is like in the deepest, deepest, deepest you have in your body and from this your body is growing and so.. this is like in my deepest soul. The whole time my body was growing it was like ‘I want to jump away’. This is what the osteopath said. If you check my spine here, you see it’s totally twisted to the side, this shoulders very weak and my neck is also twisted. But yeah, I just made this connection today.

When I was small I was aggressive, like shouting, screaming, hitting the floor and never stopping. My mother said she never saw a child like this. She said she knows many babies. Cause normally after 10-20 minutes the child stops, like if you give it ice-cream or something to drink, just get it out of the situation. I was not stopping. Now what I remember, that my father always took me on my neck and brings me to the bathroom with my head in the bathtub with cold water running and showering me until I stopped screaming. I was screaming sometimes for 10 minutes. I just don’t stop, gasping air while the water is running and the just continued screaming. I don’t stop, I don’t stop. I wanted to be stronger. This was the first time in life I got a bit broken, I think.

Then I went to kindergarten when I was 4.. wait no. 5. Yeah haha, I was going to go when I was 4, but they told me I was not ready so I was changed to 5. From there I don’t have many memories… One thing I remember. There were the toilets and I somehow I was interested in what are the other guys doing in the toilet. Because it was a very new thing to go to toilets. Like, whats going on there? I remember one other scene there, when a teacher there came shouting “Aaa! Who was at the toilet? Who was it? Who was it? Who shit next to the toilet?” and because I never did it before, I thought I did it right hahahah.

Oh yeah.. what I remembered now, was very cool. I was at this time out every day. It does not matter, winter or summer, no matter what weather I was out. I had a friend who lived like 5 houses from me, in the same class, same kindergarten. Skiing in the winter, in the summers in the woods. Playing with the cats and dogs, going by bike or skateboards. Doing whatever thats going on. When I was in the school, 2 years later, I was walking there early in the morning. I was always looking for animals and I brought many times an animal to school. I brought 2 or 3 times a snake to the school. I remember this scene when I saw a cat with a snake in it’s mouth and then I was like running after the cat, catching the cat and getting the snake out of her mouth. I was like, ‘Ah! What can I do?’. The snake was bleeding and I thought that I need to bring it to my teacher and maybe we can bring it to the doctor or something like this.. and I always had a box with me where inside were some sandwiches that my mother made me every morning. Then I take out my sandwiches and put the snake in the box. Then I brought it in the school. My teacher was screaming, ‘Aaaaa!’. I was confused, ‘Why is she so scared? This snake needs help’. Then all of the class was supposed to go out of the building and I was in the front. I was told to leave the snake and she tells everyone to put animals back into the nature. I was like, “But it’s injured, we cannot put it back in the nature. It’s injured.”, But she was like no, no, no and super scared. So in front of all my class I opened my box and let the snake go.
Oh yeah and in this garden of the school there were always fights and.. I was pretty involved in those fights. I haven’t thought of this in a long time, because I never was aggressive. There were the older ones fighting with the younger, smaller ones. But as I remember, I competed very well. In the beginning some guys wanted to fight me and I punched them as hard as I could and they were falling. So nobody wanted to fight me, so I was just standing next, in the circle and watching. There was only one guy at this time who was stronger than me. He was playing playing football and he… everybody hated him, every parent hated him. His father was alcoholic and his mother was like.. poor. She was working at this training centre where we played football. I remember he was punching me, he was throwing me to these plants where you get allergies.. I think, nettles. And he was telling me to stay there in the bush of nettles and I was crying “But it’s hurting!” If i jumped out, then 5 minutes later he threw me in there again. “You stay in there. You don’t play football with us. You’re a loser.” Because I was younger than them. I was like “Fuck man, I cannot compete against him. He’s so much stronger than me.” and yeah.. he did this about 5 times to me.

Then we moved to another house. We bought an old house with a very, very big garden and we built our next house inside of our garden. We rented the old house and with the money from that paid the rates of the bank. My father, he was just setting up his company. Started with 2 people, working like hell there. Flying all around the world, all the time. And on the other hand building the house. Like, never giving a waste. Like.. ‘We need new windows, but I wont pay him to do this, I will do it myself.’ So he came home and then was working like until 12 at night and the next morning got up at 6 o’clock, go working. This for like 1 or 2 years. I remember pictures of him from this time where he’s like fucking skinny.. and he was never skinny. He was just working so much. For a child it was pretty hard, because my father was never there.. he was never there. There was only my mother telling me, “Yeah, we can go visit dad.” and he was in the garden somewhere.. shovelling shit. So I got minimal interaction with him. But on the other hand, we made some cool stuff. When he got time for us, he offered us like all of the love. Especially money. We went to the nicest water parks and flying around the world. There was some travels, we went to some nice destinations.. a few years in a row. But after a few days there my father always flew home again.. because of work. So we go there on Saturday and on Monday he would get a call and on Tuesday he would get a plane back. Because, you know, the company was not running without him. He was like a one-man show, and still is.

Oh yeah, when I was 7 my 3rd brother got born. To my little brother I always was stronger of course, because I was older.. and in any kind.. it doesn’t matter which subject, I was better. As a child you don’t care and I was like, “Haha you’re a loser in playing guitar. Haha you’re a loser in playing football. Haha you’re..” You know, like this and that, this and that. He became very weak and still is very weak. Now he is like, cold. Like ice. No feelings, working, very normal, 100% German and I wrote him also a letter on christmas. That I felt very sorry for what I did to him when I was a child. That probably this is what made him so weak, because later in school he had many problems. He was the weakest in class, everybody was punching him and I had to help him and I didn’t want to, because I still hated him. Yeah.. this was this brother hate. I was hating him a lot, man.
There’s like this one scene. He was very young, maybe 2.. 3. There’s this kind of crib.. looks like a prison for children, from where they cannot jump out. 2 square metres with prison sticks. He was inside and I took a.. like a.. like a strong toothpick you need for potatoes, the long ones. He was inside there and I was always trying to get him. Once I got the chance, I hit him so hard that this stick was through his cheek. I cannot understand today.. How.. as a child you’re stupid, you know. I’m very sorry for this..
My father was always shouting at me. I was always the bad one, he was always the good one. Then he played tricks on me and I became even more angry. He told my father something that was not true and I got like.. 2 days not watching TV. I was angry at him like, ‘I’m gonna fucking kick his ass.’ This was always going like.. from there to there and there to there. I doesn’t matter, we were always fighting, from morning to evening. It really killed the nerves of my parents.

In school.. I was the smartest in class. So.. in all kind of subjects, I had kind of.. won. Until class 4. Like this is in the basic school. All of my teachers told me that I had special talent and my parents have to take special care of me. They don’t know where I should go, but I’m very strong on all of the stuff. At this time I was a little bit like.. first not interested in girls. But there was this one girl in my class who has a.. a farm. With cows, pigs and chickens and woods and everything you can imagine that you can have on a farm. It’s so cool in Bavaria, it’s very mixed up. She was my best friend. I loved to be at her farm. She would let me drive with these cars, man. Like how old was I.. 11-12. This was super cool. I remember one night, my first kiss hehe. She was sleeping at my home.. like this was very normal, we were children, you know. Sleeping in the same bed and nobody never talked about that we should not touch each other or kiss, or anything like this. Like.. I will do if I have children. But yeah, I did not think anything bad then, but one night I remember. I could not sleep and she was laying next to me and I saw her lips and thought ‘Maybe I should try to kiss her?’ To see how it feels.. to kiss. I was kissing her, but she did not wake up, so this was my first kiss hah. And then I was… I was starting to get interested in girls, yeah.

12 years old
When I was 12, I came to the high school. This is like the first change to a public school. Because before I was in a village school and that’s only farmers, only nice people. Very settled, easy German people. In a public school, there were 1000 people and next door was middle school, again 1000 people and next door to that was the lowest kind of school with 400 people. So all of these kids were together and.. you would have to compete. There some kind.. I think I.. I don’t know if I lost my way or if it was my way or not.. But there were always these gangs, these cool gangs and I always wanted to hang out with the gangs. I never wanted to be on my own or with the girls. I always wanted to be with the cool ones, probably like everybody else. So.. I kind of.. for the next 15 years I was always running after the alphas. I was always like the good guy, like.. not bouncer, but.. best friend. Yeah, best friend. Always like searching for them. Then okay I was joining with them and I was on the best parties and knew the best chicks and everything like this, everything like top notch. Being cool. This was very important in school for me. And it was very easy, because my father at this time, he made huge amounts of money. So yeah, I could buy anything I wanted to. I mean I’d get anything. I wanted to have the playstation, yes. I wanted to have these clothes, yes. I want this, yes. This, yes. Everything. Yeah and this continues until I’m 23. But yeah in high school I was doing a lot of shit. Because to be cool, my way to be cool was doing shit. And also I found it very funny, like these weak girls, I don’t know.. I put water in their faces or something and everybody would be laughing. It was just stupid. And with the teachers, pfft, every day I had arguments, because I never said what they wanted. I was just saying the opposite. My father became from year to year, year to year, like super angry. I was doing a lot of shit. The worst days, really the worst days of this whole period, until the 8th class, because then I changed to another school.
My parents every half a year, they have to go to meet my different teachers, it’s like a parents evening. I think before the day we get the grades. Worst day.. Now, because I always got good grades, I never cared about school. I never did my homework, I never listened. Well biology I liked, like nature stuff. Math I was super good at and did nothing, all the time. And.. my grades were fine. When my parents went there, the teachers were like: “Danger is doing shit every time. Talking to his neighbours, punching or doing shit to his classmates. He’s only sitting in the back, he’s only noisy. He’s never listening. He never has his homework.” Blablablabla and then my parents came home and I was in my bed like.. fuck, fuck, fuck. Light on, both parents sit on my bed and then talking for 3 hours. Like, ‘why you do this? School is important for your life. You have to get this..’ and after this 2 weeks of not watching TV, not going with my bike to my friends. I don’t know, all of this shit. My life always breaks down at that point. This was really from stage to stage to stage.. like.. putting my free self in a cage, like the childish.. the I’m gonna do whatever I want to in this world, into this, like.. I have to function properly.. and this took me very long. It’s not normal for children to be that long like this..

15 years old
Then 8th class. There were parties starting and there’s like ‘Okay, let’s smoke a cigarette’ and.. then I had one teacher and I had her in german and in history and history, I don’t know why, but history was always my worst subject. Because in history you cannot do it with intelligence and you cannot write shit. I could really good riddle someone around my finger when I’m writing, because theres like a red line that I have them following and it’s like, ‘Okay, what I read in the last half minute is ok, there’s a story’. That’s like my one way and the other, like math. I just listen and studied it 5 minutes before the exam and ‘Ok, thanks for explaining it.’ It’s super easy and while the exam was going I did my first calculations. But yeah.. history was terrible. I think for one year or two I already had almost the worst test results. If you get the worst result, you cannot move to the next class. Because I was like this: “Ok, when did Napoleon enter Germany?” and I was like: “Ok.. 8..1..8..8.., let’s say 7.” haha. Like this. But yeah this year in history I did nothing.. never. And in German I had the same teacher and.. I hated her.. to death. I had visions of killing her, of fucking burning her house, because I hated her so much. I wanted to fight her and.. yeah this is the biggest fight I’ve had in my life. I go there, to class and bought on eBay, this glass eye. Like a fake eye if you don’t have one so you can put it in place. But man.. it looks like a fucking real eye, but if you have like one eye moving and the other eye is looking at only one direction, it looks fucking crazy . So I bought one of these eBay and it looks exactly the same colour as my eye. I still have it.. haha. Then I put in my eye and I was like going there: “Oh! I put a pen in my eye, please help.” She was freaking out. Then at another time it was like. I was there in class and I was like, “Oh fuck it’s so boring. One more hour to go.” and then I just went under my table to sleep. Waiting until she would come, but she didn’t come. Next time I did it again and again. Then she came and was like: “Ok Danger, what the fuck are you doing?” I don’t know. I didn’t even sleep, I only did it for her to come and find me. Yeah.. I was like: “Ha, ha, four hours I was under the table, ha, ha.” It was a win for me and.. then once also I was supposed to do the home work and if I didn’t do it I would get the worst grade. So, like 5 minutes before the class started.. I didn’t want to do my homework, because I fucking hate homework, but I’m just doing this to make her happy. So I wrote 2 pages of this. And she was collecting the homework and if you haven’t done them in 5 times you get the worst grade. So I was one away from this. She comes to me all smiling, she was really happy when I get bad grades. That’s why I hated her so much, haha.. Then she was reading mine out to the class, “What is this.. Ok again, your parents have to come.” Then my parents came, and my parents and her became like best friends. So it was a team.. a team against me… But in the end, all of my grades were fine. But then she wanted to ask me some questions, and for sure it would be the worst grade. I can answer whatever and the grade will be the worst. It was.. this was when I really started to hate school, because it was so unfair. Probably.. this is the point when I started to get this big sense of fairness.. Because it was so unfair, really. Then.. I was like.. I lost, ok. I felt like, I lost this fight, but there is a last chance and I can do it on the holidays. On the 6 week summer holiday. I can stay in school and only study for these two subjects, german and history and then write the exams again and if one exam is better than 5, you pass. I was like: “Yeah! My last chance.”

My parents were going to Vietnam, I was not going with them. I was living at my aunt. And I remember I started smoking… This was in the age of.. 7.. to 11.. then was that and….. I was 15. So 15 I started smoking.. cigarettes, the ones you roll on your own. Yeah.. because I was like: “Ahh, fuck I cannot be with my parents in Vietnam, I have to study.” So on the way, when I was going to study, I was smoking a cigarette. But, nobody would catch me. Which is a wonder, because I was smoking at 15 and where I come from in the countryside, it’s like very not normal to smoke at this age. And… Then I studied the fucking whole holiday, when my friends were swimming and the summer is super short.
And there’s a law, man. There’s a fucking law, that the teacher who has these 2 subjects is not allowed to make your final exams. It makes sense, because if there’s personal issues, if somebody wants you to fall through his class, you will, because you’re the master. And so another person has to do this to check them neutrally. And this other person must be the head of the school in this subject, you know like the one with the biggest responsibility. I got these 2 exams.. who made these exams? Again her… Because she is the head of german and the head of history. I didn’t know this.
She was telling me what to study from the book, like: “These chapters to these and from these chapters to these and be very detailed about Napoleon.”.. No fucking question about Napoleon, no fucking questions about that what I learned, completely out of what I should study. And.. I don’t like to say this, but I was very intelligent. I was studying all the time and I knew it all, really I knew it all. I knew every fucking detail. Because this was the first time I had to set my mind, like.. get it. So I knew every fucking day of French revolution, stuff like this, 1789. I wrote this at the end of holidays. I couldn’t tell to my parents how bad it went… I just said that it was ok, but in my mind I was like.. fffuck. This was so fucking hard, like she wanted to fuck me up again. But to my parents I couldn’t say this in the beginning. But there was still german. “For sure I’m gonna make one 4. Come on it’s so easy.”, I was thinking. I went to the office to ask: “Hey, I’m Danger, How is it? Can I go to 9th class or am I still in 8th?” She’s checking and.. “Oh I’m sorry, you cannot.” I was not believing this. It’s impossible, just impossible. This is fucking not possible. Then I called my father, he was like: “Ok, go to school today, we will talk this afternoon.” Then I was talking with him.. and you with these kinds of issues.. this was the point when he changed from a lovely father, like a really lovely father who did all for me to.. my worst enemy. Because he was like: “OK! You did wrong, you didn’t study. No TV, no bike, no friends anymore. You learn every day from 3 to 5 and in the evening I control what you learned.” I was begging him: “Please believe me, please. It was my teacher that cheated me. It was not me, I knew everything. Ask me! Here are my notes.” I had fucking pages of notes. Like notes that you learn to take in the university. But he did not care. Then.. 8th class again, no life anymore, after no summer.

And I was in the 8th class again and there was this gang going on, because the class I used to be on was pretty normal. But this class.. it was a class that I think every teacher knew about. Sometimes when we came to our teachers, like this art teacher. She was crying and we we’re like, ‘hey what’s wrong?’ Then she’d be talking about this class. So.. after many years, a lot of the students from this class had fucking huge problems. Because they were like gangsters. Coming from poor families, dealing weed, smoking weed, destroying the stuff of the school. Just annoying everybody, screaming and not caring about any rules. And I was like that before, when I was a child. So I was repeating the class and came in the class with them. So it was the same again. I was looking for the alpha, of them. And then in this class.. in the shortest time, I was like wearing big hip-hop clothes, I was smoking weed, I was drinking alcohol, like almost to coma.. every weekend. Like you don’t know where the border is and you want to be the coolest so you drink 10 beer. There were the 1st parties like going on. At this time I was never allowed to go out, because my father would always be checking on me. Then I was always telling him lies. I really became a liar in front of my dad. Because he was like a policeman, really a policeman. I was like: “Yeah, my best friend he has a birthday and many girls are coming and yeah we grill and stuff like that. Please can I go there?” Shit did we do. We go to the forest, buy 100 beer with all of our friends and boom. Drink it all. I was sleeping at my friends house, because I didn’t want my parents to pick me up, you know. This continued and continued, continued, continued. I really became good at this game. They almost never realised that I was drunk or that I had smoked or.. that we did any kind of shit. Sometimes, let’s say maybe 1% of things I did, they knew. But 99% I was hiding it. I was fucking good at this game.

16 years old
When I was 16, one year later. Umm.. I was still in the same class. The.. history teacher was the same. Not in german anymore, but only in history. I was like yeah, fuck it. I’m only gonna have one grade 5. I got her in one fucking subject, so I don’t care. You know what happened? Half a year in, before we get the real grades. I got a fucking 6, the worst grade. I said it’s not possible. Because I was studying for this back then. She could not cheat, because everyone of the class was learning the same things. So I was always before the exams, “Hey show me what we have to learn for this.” Then like, “Ok, these and these dates.” Then I went to the exam and got a 2 or 3 or 4 or something. I never scored bad. Yeah.. and in the end I got a 6. A 6… I said it’s impossible. Then I told my father, like that they control the exams and my father was like, “Ok if you’re telling me the truth, we will go there and we will check if you are telling the truth.” He was going there and it was just ridiculous man. I had like two short exams of the year, I had maybe 3 and 2. And then for the big exams, I had like 4 and 4, probably. And then for verbal.. I remember it was 10 or 12 tests. All of them a 6. These tests were like that she would just randomly ask me in the morning, when is Napoleon born. “Uhh fuck I don’t know.” So she didn’t tell me these were being graded as well. Even with these tests combined with my others, I should still get a 5.6. But I get a 6. And.. like this… So I told my father and told my father to check. Then my father realised that she is like playing a fucking game on me. That this is not possible. But I really had to fight hard for this. I told him: “Dad, it’s not the truth what she’s telling. I’m always in class, you know I do my fucking homework. You see on my grades I’m good. But she hates me.” But I give up. I gave up to fight her. It was so unfair man. It was so fucking unfair. Then haha, then my father, he’s cool man. Then my father got a lawyer and fucked her up. But then I could not stay anymore in this school. Because everybody was like, wow fuck. Because she was like the second boss of the school.. for a 2500 children’s school. So everybody knew her, she was every week on the newspaper and my father fought her in court. And she lost. But in the end she did not have a big punishment. I really wanted to get her in jail. But you know, she was only like, yeah she is sorry. Because they checked her, they really came and checked her. And in her book. There were no dates. Because normally you have to have like, 6 on this date, and 5 on this date. So this was pretty cool. Because they were telling her, ‘hey we are coming to check your notes.’ And they were checking her notes and she was so stupid that on one day, she put it in that on one day we had a class, history class. She put it in, but I was sick. I had the note from the doctor for that day. So I was not there on that day. So the lawyer said: “Hey what are you doing with this boy?” This was in the media. And this happens to many children. They don’t have a good connection to the teacher and the teacher is just.. pulling them down. This was like a nice case. Where everybody was, yeaah fuck teachers. They don’t treat my children right. This was cool, but I had to leave the school.

Then from 16 years I was going to a private school. Then it was pretty funny, because umm.. my father was going there and meeting the boss of this private school. It’s like, very high class. I don’t know if you can imagine this, but.. you were treated like a.. king. If you are a guest in this kind of school. So the boss himself showed us around there. Veery friendly. And.. yeah, first my parents went there without me and my father told me: “Yeah, they showed me a guy. So I saw this cool guy and in his cupboard there’s one beer. One bottle of beer.” This argument my father gave me, to make me want to go there. Because I was like, noo I don’t want to leave my friends, the cool gang, smoking and driving with the motorbikes, parties, girls. I was fucking involved. And then like next school, somewhere else. I didn’t want to go away. Yeah, my father told me this, later this guy became my best friend. My fucking drinking friend, my drug friend. Exactly this guy. So I went there.. With this argument I was like, “Hmm somebody’s drinking beer there and they caught it in his room. It cannot be that hard. The teachers cannot be that hard on you.” Then I was going there, check it out on a Sunday. You know, nothing going on. Some people there. Just walking there. Eating ice-cream. They had also like a lot of horses. It’s very beautiful there. It’s in an old castle. In an old bavarian castle of very rich people. And.. yeah it’s nice. You drive there through the forest and the castle there on the mountain. And.. then I went there haha…
Then I was there on there on Monday. Get to the first class.. Nobody was fucking listening! Nobody man. The teacher was nothing. They were like, “haahaa shut the fuck up. Hey give me a fanta. Should we go smoke a cigarette?”, “No! You don’t smoke a cigarette here!” “Fuck you, we go to the balcony.” Like this. I was like just gasping. Are you fucking kidding me? How can.. how can children treat an adult like this? This is not possible. Then I had the next class. Same. Next class, maybe a little bit harder teacher. Next class. Same. I was like confused. Pfft. This is only fun. There is no fucking school going on. I was asking the guys like, “Hey, how do you write exams. How’s it going?”, “Man, don’t worry, you only get once. You don’t have to do anything.” I was like, EHH? This cannot be. I was struggling like fuck, you know. For two years my father was capturing me at home in some kind of prison for studying. And now I didn’t have to study. I was like wow, this is some kind of paradise man. First day also a girl came to me. Now she is also drug addicted, like big problem addicted. She came to me, “Hey, you smoke weed?” I said no. Because I didn’t want to tell her I smoke weed. She told me she could get some, but I just said no thank you. Then I heard these guys talking about how drunk they were the last weekend. I thought, ‘okay there are some cool guys here. I’m gonna stay at this school.’ This was the beginning of.. Danger Dan they called me. This is why I didn’t give a shit about anything. I just did my own thing. The more fun, the better. This was possible, because in this school was this kind of freedom.
Half of the class was super rich and the other half like problem-children. It was a good connection. I learned a lot about life. I think this is one connection on why I have a good heart today. Why I want to help people in need. Then on the other hand there were these fucking funny rich guys. Where everybody got these super opportunities. I was having fun there every fucking day. I was waking up, boom. Fun, fun, fun. Girls here, girls there.

When I was 12 I became a very good skier. And here when the parties started I couldn’t do this anymore. And finally I broke my leg. The whole summer I was jumping on the trampoline. I was 17, I think. I think it was there on the first year of the school. Maybe it was an omen for me to stop, I don’t know. The whole summer I was training on the trampoline and I was doing backflip, front flip. I did everything. I was like, yeah let’s see, I wanna go and check how it is in the snow. Then there was the first morning. I was in front of my house waiting for my friend to come with his big sister in a car, to get us out in the snow. I remember, I don’t know why I remember this scene. I was like hiding behind the house, in some kind of bushes. I was smoking a cigarette. I remember this, because I was thinking, “What am I doing here? Why am I here? I don’t know. Waiting. Snowing. Smoking a cigarette.” Then I smoked 2 cigarettes. Then I was entering the car. We go there. After half an hour skiing. Boom crack. When I was jumping and I cracked my leg.

After 17-18 years. I got my car and I was fucking going from there and there and there. The old guys in the school were like, we’d smoke weed like hardcore, drink like hardcore. We’d smoke and go with the car. I’d be watching, thinking “how can they do this? It’s fucking dangerous. I am too shy to do this.” But I always try. I’m always like, I need to keep up with them. This was kind of stupid, because I lost somehow my own way. Because I always was looking for the others. What’s the coolest? Lets do this. What’s the coolest? Lets do this. It was pretty stupid. Because I lost some.. I lost a passion. And also at this point my art teacher. He was telling my parents, “get him on the artist way. He is the most artistic guy I ever saw in my life. He really must get to special school, special studies.” and blablabla. My father, I remember. He was like, “artists are gay. My son is becoming an entrepreneur. Having a big company, earning big money.” This is also what I felt at that point. ‘No, artists are gay. I wanna have big money. I want to drive a Porsche like my father. Big house. Buy everything that you want to.’ I was like, yeah I want to become like him. Because he was my father, you know. Biggest role model, somehow. But yeah we were fighting all the time. I was always be going out and he would demand me to come home at 12. I would come at 1. ‘Ok, next weekend not going out.’ Then some weekend I would do some shit. Then I had to wash his car. This and that going on all the time. I always felt like running away. With partying. I was trying to manipulate my mind to forget. Then when I got the car. With the guys from the higher classes. Every weekend I would get smashed. Really. Like, Friday, boom knockout. Saturday, same. When I got the chance.. we did a lot of trips with the school. To Malta, Barcelona, Paris blablabla.. Every half a year we get to choose one trip and our parents have to pay for that. So that was super cool. On every single trip I made. Every day I was drunk. All of the other guys as well. Because it was like, yeah our teachers don’t care. Sometimes we would smoke with them. I remember, I was in Paris. I was 17.. or 18. And I was in the restaurant smoking with my teacher and drinking five beers. And he was drunk and I wasn’t, because I was so trained from beer, you know. I was like, what a loser. And they let us do this. People were vomiting in their rooms and stuff like that.

20 years old
When I was 20 I got my high school degree. Oh yeah about this one guy, who was called Lukas. Who had this beer in his room, the story I told earlier. He became my best friend. Because he was the coolest guy of the school. But at the same time he was the best friend of our boss, you know, the director of the school. Why he was? Because he was the most intelligent. But also the most crazy motherfucker. He was the coolest, so he was my role model. And I was same intelligent like him. So we became a master team, man. We were like.. the best friends of the boss. Because we had him in physics and in physics it’s like the only.. one of the only subjects where you have to think out of your mind. It’s not like stupid shit. I was looking at everything else, like it was kindergarten shit. It was so easy. In physics, was the first time that I really can think far away. And I was always competing with my friend Lukas. We were talking like, pff 1 hour with the teacher. Only us. And people were always saying to me, “yeah, what’s wrong with you Danger? You’re doing your own class with him. Are you gay?” I guess they were kind of jealous. But I had Lukas on my back so it was very cool. Like, I’m not running after you all. But this is fucking cool what we are doing here. So in physics, man. I became fucking strong. Like I did super huge shit. Also because I had to compare a little bit with Lukas. Because we were not studying and not, you know, checking all of the formulas. It was not that easy like math before. We would fail or maybe we would do a mistake. Because every time, for example. He would ask who could get the speed of light.. out of this? I was like, “Here, here, here! Take me!” Then when you go there, you wanna be right. So I was studying a lot, competing, competing. And this made me very strong, I think, in education. It prepared me for university. Because I really focused and thought out of my mind. And yeah then hah.. I got the high school degree.
And in Bavaria, people don’t get that good of a grade in the end. And people would actually move out of Bavaria for the last year to somewhere else in Germany to get a better grade. There are no grades of the year, they only count this final exam. Which is pretty hard. So your teachers have to bring you there. I was in the private school, where we were only fucking with our teachers. Just sitting on the balcony smoking. Not going to class. You know only doing shit all of the time. So I was shit of prepared for this exam. Nothing. And yeah, everyone was studying like crazy and I was enjoying the summer. One week before the exam. I bought the books. I wrote it in biology, english, german and economies. And haha.. two days before the first exam was starting was the first time that I opened the book. Of biology. In biology everybody around me had like big summaries, like, “Oh do you know how.. MCP is in your blood? And what’s it doing in your kidney? And how is this going? And why is chlorophyll acting with the sun? Can you do the formula for this?” Like this was fucking in detail. This was really, real science. This wasn’t joking anymore. I was like, “fuck.. I need to study this.” Two days of fucking hardcore studying. Only biology. Boom, write it down. Then next day english. Write it down. English was always the worst. Because you have to study a lot of words and I never studied words. I only learned it on my own. Then german. And then economy. Yeah.. so.. For the other 3 classes I was only studying one night. And I got a pretty decent score, I think.

And yeah so finally. After years of fucking fights with my father. This was so hard man. This was one.. I think, now if I reflect. One reason for me to drink and take drugs. Because I was running away. Because, you know.. Don’t do this, don’t do that. Act like this. Never be yourself. Only act like the fucking system. And I was.. I hate the fucking system, man. I wanna jump out of it. So in school I only did shit and on the weekends I also just did shit. As maximum as I can. Then finally I was going home to my father, like, “fuck you man. You don’t even see how intelligent your son is. If you would know that I started to study two days before. Which nobody else of the fucking school could do.” But yeah.. I could not tell him and he did not see this point. And then.. what to do.. Because everybody called me Danger. Everybody was like, “Man, the only thing you can be is like.. Living under the bridge or a millionaire. The is no way in between. If you make it you’re good, but maybe you’re gonna get fucked up.” Even my teachers told me, like.. man.. On the other side the best. On the other side the worst. They also told me like.. A human of extremes. I never want to be in the middle. And to be honest. This attitude is from my father. That’s why he is so good. That’s why he is a millionaire. That’s why he reached everything in his life. Because he always wanted the best. He always did the most. He always was the strongest. And he always was the fucking alpha. You know and uhh.. Yeah, so I got the same genes. Or I learned it in my childhood or I want to be like him. I don’t know how it is going. But then I realised that I’m like him. I want to be driving nice cars as well. What to study? Economics. I couldn’t get to the very best universities. Because you had to have a really good score and had to have some internships already and all this. But I was still applying for it. And I wrote a motivation letter. Like, I’m different. Just let me come by. I know you have some tests. Let me get the test, I wanna check it out. Theres like this one university. If you look under the worlds universities. It’s under the top 10 universities in economics.

And I was there applying. Then there was a test going. Some kind of intelligence test, an english test and french test. And I did not have french in 5 years. So only thing I was studying before I came there, was french. Same story as usual. I knew there was a lot of math. There was this english test and I knew I was very bad in english. Because I did not know any words. Because I didn’t speak it very much. It’s not to learn overnight. And french was the fucking biggest problem, because I haven’t had it in 5 years. So yeah. I was.. 2 weeks before the test at home trying to study french. Not working, not working, not working, not working. Same like before. Two or three days before the test I started to study. One or two hours a day. I came there. The last night before the test. The whole night of studying french. Renewing of what I maybe heard once. So I go there. French in the morning, then I had the math test and english in the evening. After the math test there was a 4 hour intelligence test. I was like, ugh. The whole night of not sleeping. I’m fucking not eating a lot. I go inside there.. and I was doing good on the test. And then this guy in front of me was like always shaking with his umm.. knee. So my whole table was shaking. I could not write proper. I was like telling him three times, “Man, please stop this.” then they just shouted “No talking!” Fuck..
After these tests they rate you. I remember in total you needed 60 points to get in. It’s like the best economic university in the world. Like the same as studying in Yale. Fuck man, I had 59 points. I failed only because of english. Other tests were good. But yeah I fucked it up in english. So I was not going there. So pfft. Some kind of.. my life breaks. Fuck.. Because I knew I was super intelligent. But I was like fuck.. I was so stupid that I did not make this. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. And.. yeah.. there is a chance to apply again for the english test. It was on a Saturday. I drove there two weeks later again. Like fucking far. I drove there on Friday, 6 hours in my car. And my friend was living next door. I came to my friend there, “Hey man, you want to drink some beers?” we go out, we have a party. Next day morning. 9 o’clock, fucking english test. And we came home at like 2 am. Thinking, “ah, it’s cool man. Just some beers.” And.. then I came back to his place and I remember we couldn’t get the phone working to set the alarm. Fuck man I want to wake up at 6 to study some vocabulary. I didn’t do anything the last days. Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck. Uhh.. yeah whole night not sleeping. Again. This fucking same story, man. And then I was going there and I was fucking nervous. Because I knew, like.. my father told me: “Danger, now your whole life is on one hair. If you fail it, it will fall. Don’t fail.” So there was a lot of pressure on me. Not studying made me really fucking nervous. Last time I passed it, like phew. Very narrowly. And now this time. I was even failing it. Not even passing 50 or 60%, whatever it was. So yeah. This chance was gone. Which now maybe sounds bad. But.. later on. A few of my friends went to that school. And like after the next few years. At first I was maybe jealous, but nowadays man. Everybody is telling the same of these guys. That they became superficial. Like ‘we are the coolest’ in some kind of asshole way. They just acted like know-it-all. In anything you said, they would be correcting the smallest details. Like, “pff no you’re wrong. Pff no you’re wrong.” they would be talking a lot about themselves. How cool and rich and stuff like this. I really don’t like this. Like, I normally don’t like to talk about my life, but now I just tell you for this interview. So all of my friends there became like this, snobby. One time I was there visiting. I saw a lot of them and they just acted high class “Oh, we are the finest business men of the world.” And now if I think. It was fucking good that I did not go there. Because I was very easily manipulated. So I would have become a fucking business man. I would have become the fucking biggest asshole of the world. Because I didn’t have my own passions back then. I would just have been following the coolest.. or the strongest or whatever.

Yeah and then haha.. I went to apply to a university in Switzerland. The fucking same shit happened again. We were on our high school degree holiday. You know, like you go somewhere to drink to celebrate. This kind of bachelor party type of shit. We came home on Sunday and on Tuesday was the exam in Switzerland. 2nd biggest in Europe. I planned on studying on the trip to Malta. But didn’t open the book even once. So I come home, super fucked up after a week of drinking. Study for 1 day. Drive there to Switzerland, get in a hotel and next day write the exam. I remember I met one guy there in my hotel. Because it was huge man. There were like 2000 applicants in a football stadium. So he was talking to me about a training book, that someone put together after going to the test every year. To assist in the test, because it contained how the test was like every year. So I bought this book from the guy. I had the fucking clue in my hands for the whole test. Before meeting this guy I was really self-confident about the test. But this guy scared me and I opened the book. I was like pooof, this is fucking hard. I have to train for this. So I was training the whole night, boom, boom, boom. And.. it was haha.. so funny, man. It was I think 120 points. To get there, and I got 119. Same again. Like one point less. And man.. I really hated myself. You know, for being.. like this. Because it would have been so easy. But I.. I didn’t give a shit. Then I had to apply for the 3rd option. Which is in Vienna. And it had already started. So I was just driving there. They have a law in Austria, everybody who is fulfilling all the requirements, then you are allowed to study there. So it’s a fucking big mess university. Then I started studying there. And it was ok for me. There were 24 000 students. Only studying business and there were also law students. So in total, like 50 000 students. It was like a city.

So this was important for me, moving from my parents to Vienna. In 2011. I lived there by myself and with a roommate. Same story again. The university had already started. I was going there. I remember I had a fucking nice car at this moment. A very strong Audi and.. I was going there, still thinking I’m the coolest and that I don’t care. I was just ugh. Looking for flats, how annoying is this. Looking for roommates. Going the easiest way. First woman I met, I was like, “yeah you want to take a ride with my car?” We go drive around the block. She’s like, oh he’s a fucking richie. And I ask if I can have this room. Yeah ok. So I took this room. I did not like them, so it was kind of stupid. But I was so lazy. That was the main issue. So I moved in there. Fucking worst decision. We hated each other. In the beginning I could say that I would hate these girls. They thought high of themselves and kept criticising other people. Like, ‘they’re doing this wrong, they’re doing this wrong’. I could not handle this.. I just don’t like this. It might sound like I was an asshole at this time. But I wasn’t, man. All of the time I was super fair. I cared a lot. I never got angry. But I eat a lot of shit. Like, people would do a lot of shit to me and I would just keep it in. I did not throw it out and scream or something. And yeah.. being a good guy, being a cool guy and taking the easiest way. You know this was my life. Taking the easiest way. And smoking weed and going to parties of course. Making friends quickly and I was just partying and partying, partying, partying. Umm.. It was going so far that my parents didn’t give me anymore money. Because they said: “Danger it’s not possible that you spend 1000 euros in one week. What do you do?” I was like, “pff I don’t know. This and this.” Telling lies. I was super stupid. Somehow I could not stop this throwing out of the money. Because I was like I want to live life to the fullest. (Gasps air) to inhale it completely. 100% all of the time. And umm.. I think I still have a part of this. But I want to get away from this.
After one year I realised that I cannot do this university. It was pretty hard studying. Like huge exams. Umm.. the professors.. The students were like, what can we study from? and the professors would just say: “My book.” Yeah this book is a thousand pages, what can you say. Hah.. a thousand page marketing book. I wanted to start like a few times. Pfft theres no chance. Theres no fucking chance of learning this. Going to the exam. I was trying to do it. But I was like, no man. This was so stupid to learn. One thousand pages of getting in your mind. Like, this mode looks like this, this mode looks like this. This guy invented this and this guy said this. This is so stupid. And staying 4 weeks inside my house and doing this. It’s stupid. I don’t do it. And umm.. so I wasn’t going. Passing some exams with luck. Sometimes I was just going to the university to listen to them. Checking out what was going on. But in the end I realised that there is not a big sense in there for me. After one year I told my parents I don’t like it anymore, I will quit. They just asked: “Why do you do this? You already missed one year in kindergarten and repeated one class and now you want to repeat again. So you become the oldest. The other ones will be faster than you and you will not become a big pro in business.” This pressure from my father. He was only money oriented. Like, if you are rich, you are cool. If you drive a Lamborghini, then he gives you respect. I was like agh. Money for me is this love-hate relationship. My father is the hate side, but I got it so much that I love it.. to pull it out. Because it’s so much fun. Then I just told him: “No. I don’t like it.”

One of my best friends from school. He’s not one of the cool guys. But why I say he’s my best friend. He’s a guy like you. A guy who’s like really honest, stays with you all the time. Who’s loyal. The coolest alpha dogs, when you stay with them. Like this one guy here at Goa, he’s the perfect example. He’s the kind of guy I went partying with. Like have fun and girls and blablabla. But on the other hand I see that there’s no sense. Like you are a friend. This is what life is supposed to be like. Somebody you can trust. You know. Someone who will care about you, if something happens to you. You will care for him and show him everything.
Yeah.. but I was.. You know, not making.. how to say.. not making a decision of going this direction or this direction. I wanted both. I wanted it all. That’s probably the title of my life. I want it all. And then he was going to a university in Munich. A private university. He was like, “Man.. it’s fucking amazing. Fucking got nice chicks and very new rooms. They have people from the real economy and not like crazy professors only.” and.. he said, “super easy and small classes. Like, the education will be on your head.” I was like, pff my parents got the money and this is the fucking easiest way. Private school it’s the shit. Lets go to a fucking private university in Munich. You know, very close to my home. I have all my friends back after one year of Vienna.

So 2012 I moved to Munich. Getting a flat next door to the university. Haha.. You know, next door. 2 metres away. Like I go out and I go in. Door to door haha. Yeah so.. I had a fucking nice room. There was a kitchen, a fridge and a sofa so we could chill out. Everyday 5 to 10 friends were in my apartment. I was living together with one of my friends from school. Like uhh.. he’s also. His parents are also rich and he’s doing the same lifestyle as me now. Like traveling, finding himself. Realising that throwing out money and getting drunk and drugs is not like.. making sense of life. He got a girlfriend from South Africa and he brought me to the Burn Festival. Which is a very important point in my life. And I was living together with him. He was studying umm, like movie. But he wanted to become a regisseur. Umm how to say in english.. a director. So he wanted to become a director. His grandfather was super famous for physics stuff. He invented a lot of physics stuff. I think he is going to make it to a big thing in life. I was like, yeah man. He’s cool to live with. I don’t want to live with any idiots again, like these girls. He’s also very clever and.. very creative. That’s what I love about him. Why we became such good friends. Because there is a point in my life when my creative side umm.. came out again. Because I lost it. You know, because of drinking and.. stuff like that. And… we started smoking weed. Like hell. Some of the years when I was in the first school. I was growing, but shitty plants. My parents realised it, but nothing happened. When I was in the private school. I was doing 2 or 3 grows. Like professional ones. 20 plants and water tanks there. Pretty super plants. Worked pretty well. I had huge amount of weed. But the police caught us once and my parents got to know about it. And once they caught me in the school also.

Throwback to high school memory:
Short throwback now, as I remember new stuff. Because yeah, it’s important how I got to weed. This was when I was in the last year of high school. When I was 19 or 20 years old. There I was growing and growing and growing. Because I liked to smoke it. But the more I liked to give it to my friends and have great evenings. And you know.. nobody could afford it. I also like plants. I was sad about running after guys and getting shitty weed, and not getting it, and waiting 4-5 hours. I was like, “ahh let’s grow it.” Go on the internet. Yeah order seeds. Get the seeds. Go in the forest. Grow it there and got my own weed. Super nice quality. I was going to parties and in my bag was like 20 grams of weed. At the age of 15. Nobody ever saw weed before. Everybody was smoking their first joint with me. So.. hah. I was always giving. I would be smoking 1, 2 or 3 joints and friends would come asking some for themselves. I would just be like, ok 5 for you and you and you. Just giving it away. I wanted to make people feel good and different.
And.. then.. I was in school. I got long hair and everybody knew I’m kinda druggy. Everybody called me Danger. We had Saturday school every second week. There was an award. You always get like different awards. Like most drunk on Saturday. It’s funny because you know. When you are like 18, 19, 20 years, everybody is going out on the weekends. And I got this award. To be honest if there were 100 Saturdays. Probably on 95 I came home with no sleep. Just from Munich from partying and taking drugs. Well only smoking. I only smoked weed and never took anything else. And yeah.. then they realised it, the teachers. And we had to piss there. Like drug testing. I was always like.. fucking lucky. Like not having any weed. Not smoking any weed. Out of any kind of reason, like before I would be smoking for 10 months. Then I stopped and in two weeks I had to piss. Ha.. ha.. hehehe. It would be like last week I was skiing and this week I would be skiing and didn’t smoke and then there was a test. They tested me two times and two times negative. And then a third time. The night before like I smoked a fucking big joint, because there was a football final. I smoked it with a friend and he was vomiting the whole game. Complaining that it was too strong hash and should not have smoked before the game. Next day in the morning. They knew it somehow, they saw me or something. They would normally call 10 something students to the principle. But now this morning they asked only me to come. Only me. I was like, “Yeah sorry I pissed at home and I cannot piss now and haven’t drunk anything today.” They told me to drink water. I drank water. One hour later I cannot piss, sorry. Drink more water. Okay. One hour more. I cannot piss. Drink more water. “Now you piss.”, I can’t. “Well lets take a walk.” I have a walk. One hour he would be talking to me like, “What kind of problems do you have?”, Nothing. “Is your father hitting you?”, No. “Why do you drink so much?”, I don’t know. “Why do you go out on every weekend?”, I don’t know. “Why do you take drugs?”, I don’t take drugs. A long interrogation. Just shut up. And.. piss. I don’t go piss. He was like ok. He was the director of the singing class and I was like, you know. Male, alpha at this age. He asked me to come singing. I said: “No I wont come singing.”, “You come singing.”, No I don’t come singing. I don’t remember what the punishment was. But yeah, he made me sing haha. I was there and was like, fuck then ok I’m gonna sing. Then I was like ooooh OO oo OO ooo. One hour or two hours and school was even ending. I did not piss, man. Then he was like, “Now you go piss.” I said: “I cannot.” Now, of course I had to piss. But I did not mind. I will not piss in this fucking cup for him. Because I knew I smoked the night before. I was thinking, fuck I need a way out. He will not let me go. This is the wrong way, what do I do, what do I do? Thinking about this for 6 hours already hah. Then I was there in front of the toilet. He was standing all the time really close by. Like opening the water from the tap and asking: “Can you piss now?”, No. Then this other teacher came and was shouting his name and asking him something. Then I was like, now. I crouched down. Got some water out of the toilet. I looked at it and thought, fuck it’s too clear. Poured half of it out so it’s like little, little bit water inside.. fuck still too clear. No foam. Spit inside for some foam. And I asked him: “Is this enough?” Taking it easy, my heart was racing a thousand. Take it easy, take it easy. So I asked him: “Is this enough?” He was pumped, “Oh you got it? You got it? Yeah! Ok. Give it to me!” Hahaha. I gave it to him. Everybody was like waiting outside, because a lot of my friends were like living in this house. So everybody was like, ‘wow did you do it?’ I chuckled and said: “I made it again!” everybody responded in amazement, “No waay! Fucking Danger!”.
Next morning you always have to come there and they show you the test, and talk with you, what’s going on and it usually it was always like, “Ah the test is negative. Do you know anything if anybody is selling drugs in school?” No. “Do you take any drugs?” No. “Did you try ever to smoke a joint?” I really know that everybody has tried a joint, but said, no, never. Yeah and the next morning I was going there with a big grin on my face. Usually there were only two people there. One guy who’s like the personal guy for the students.. the psychologist or something. But a hard one, a fucking hard one. He was always pulling you in one direction and not talking to you softly. And the other one is the boss of the school. And hahaha. I was opening the door like usually. There was the school psychologist, women’s school psychologist, boss, 2nd director and even like one guy who just hated me. Sitting there, in a circle. One chair in the middle. “Danger it does not matter what kind of story you want to tell us. We checked it and in your urine sample, there is no urine. In your cup is no urine. It was pure water. There is a reason that you put water in this and we want to know from you, which reason it is. You have only one chance to tell us the truth. If you don’t tell us the truth, you will be kicked out of school, because of drug abuse, and if this happens you will not be allowed to finish high school in the whole of Germany.” Phew. “Anyways, you can lie to us. But in the end we already talked about it to your parents. They knew about it and we are allowed to cut off your hair and make a hair test to see what you have consumed in the last year.” And I already had quite long hair then… (Long pause) What to do..? What to fucking do now, huh… I was super scared. Then I just told them.. “Ok.. to be honest. I never took any drugs. I’ve smoked one joint before in my life and I did not feel anything. Yesterday I was at the football match and some guy had a joint. I wanted to feel how it feels. And yeah, I tried it.. so.. I was very scared that something is in my piss. But I don’t have anything do with drugs. I don’t know how it looks like. I don’t know anything about it.” They don’t believe me, they don’t believe me. I was rocking this story for fucking two hours. And they don’t get anything out of me. So I made them believe me. I was like, “The only thing I can tell you. I swear.” I felt like the last step was missing. Then I knew that one guy in the class above me, in the last class, was doing something with ketamine. And I told them like, “But I can tell you something. I heard that in the class above me, that there’s ketamine going on.” They just jumped on this, “What?! What?! What’s ketamine?” I replied: “I don’t know. I don’t know. I just heard people. They were talking about this. Something that it’s normally for horses. There’s this story that somebody got it from a veterinary and that they are like taking it.” They kept on asking in a stern voice, “What?! Where!? Who is?!” — “I don’t know, I don’t know. But everybody knows about it. I’m so scared. I’m so happy that I can tell you, so maybe you can do something about it. I’m so very scared of drugs. I don’t know what to do.” They just went on a freak-out mode, “What?! Yes. We have to check this!” Then I was released from this shooting.. of words. They said, “Ok, go home and your father will take a sample of your hair. Because we are not allowed to.” I was just, ok.. cool. Phew, went pretty well. Then I was going home. Umm.. yeah, my father was super angry. For sure. I told him about 10% of the story. I told him like, that we were growing and we had this weed and I was smoking this weed and that it was stupid. First he was like, “Ok Danger, I can understand. You did some shit.” He cut off my hair in the back, like 30% of my hair. And then the test was coming. And I smoked, man.. 200 to 300 joints in this year probably.. No.. I don’t think it was this crazy amounts. But yeah on every weekend. Sometimes during the week if I was in the nature with my friend. Then we get the results from the lab. They were testing me on every drug, because the school was telling my parents that I’m taking pills and cocaine and this crap. Two pages of what substances can be found in your hair. Two pages of fucking negative. THC negative. Then I was going back to the school like, fuck you all. How many more times do you want to test me? Hahaha.. Then they never tested me afterwards again. Yeah umm.. I was thinking, I’m a fucking lucky boy, all of the time. Like.. I don’t know how this happened, maybe someone in the lab did a mistake. But now.. I don’t know why, but somehow this thought came up.. that my father manipulated the test. It was my life man.. If it would have been positive, I would have been kicked out of school. And nobody would have wanted a kid with this on his record. Not a single school in Germany would have taken me. It would have been pretty hard for me to get a high school degree. And my father knew this. I’m thinking that he got someone else’s hair, maybe from a barber or maybe it’s too dangerous. He’s a clever man. He’s never letting anything to go on it’s own. He’s always controlling, he’s a control freak. And…. hmh… I don’t know. I still don’t know if it was him or not. Then I went to Vienna for the school. Oh yea in Austria it’s really cool. You can buy small plants, but when they start flowering, you have to kill them. That’s the law, it’s ridiculous.

So yeah.. I moved to Munich. Got a flat. Move in with my friend. Get a bong. Smoking everyday and drinking beers. Going on like this for 6 semesters. I was studying in Budapest in the 5th semester. I was on every holiday, like semester holidays. They are pretty long man, because it’s a private university. I didn’t go much to the university. I tried some on the first semester, but it was so boring. Just sitting and sitting. Same shit like before. Just smoking weed, going to parties and I had a girlfriend. Spending a lot of time with her, like traveling to her parents in Italy. She got fucking rich friends, because she’s in Munich business school and this is like even more expensive. And Munich especially is a very rich city, so everybody in Germany.. yeah mostly Germans and some Italian guys, who are like fucking rich. They send their children there to Munich, to study. Or they are living there. I had so many opportunities, but I was living.. not a rockstar life, but.. you know. “Yeah, you wanna go to Barcelona this weekend?” Ok, let’s book a flight. And we would fly the next morning. We fly there, 5 days and spend 1000 euros. Ok, fly back. And university again, smoke weed. And sometimes.. it became pretty hard, because the exams were super intense. The structure was shitty. Because we always had like one week of exams. It was like 10 exams in one week. I made 7 of them without much studying, like maybe 1 day and 1 night, something like that. And.. 3 I failed. And then next semester I was feeling that, ok now I really have to study. Sometimes I was again lazy, lazy, lazy. Failed them again. Ohh.. The 3rd try you have is the last one. If you fail it, you are kicked out of the university and.. everything you studied is not worth it anymore. And so one semester was, I think 7000 euros for my parents, plus living, plus what I spent, plus my car. It was fucking expensive. So in the 3rd and 4th semester I was writing a lot of these exams. Phew, now my life is again hanging on this one hair. And if I fuck up this, man. Then I got a huge problem. What am I going to do then? So obviously it was like super close, but I made it. Always with this fucking laziness. So many nights of not sleeping. I remember weeks, maybe 3 weeks or something. That from Monday to Friday, I did not sleep. I slept maybe on one day, 2 hours, like on my desk. I was studying, drinking red bull, go to the university and write an exam. Go home, maybe rest 2 hours, chat with my friend, smoke a joint and then afterwards again sit there 15 hours and study it all in one sitting. 200 pages of.. I don’t know.. World economy. Next day, boom. And then financial mathematics, same thing, boom. Also people called me Danger, because.. “How the fuck is this possible? How the fuck.. we are doing since 4 weeks, we are writing summaries and we don’t even understand this math and you get it in one night. Like how is this possible?” This was my move. I was going to my best friend and he’s like prepared as fuck, all the time. Because he has to study, you know, like normally. And always on the last night before the exam, I would go to him. I told him: “Simon, what you’ve got?” And then he’s like.. I can see in his mind, like a.. let’s say the jungle. But I can see what the jungles about. About this topic. And he’s telling me: “Yeah this is like this and this is like this. This is like maybe this, but I don’t understand like this.” I said: “Ok. This is like this and this is like this.” He’s only understanding it like this, so I put it in the right direction in his mind. We go at it for 2 hours. He showed me the math and telling me the story. And then I was like, ok we have to train. Because it was a lot about training, you know. Then we were training together and.. on the next day we go to the university. He was sitting next to me and I was always helping him and I was always writing.

Simon was my friend from high school. I met him in my class, he was like a 2 metre tall guy and.. he got a heart transplant. He’s super big, very skinny and got this big scar on his chest. And the doctors told him that the maximum age that somebody can live, on earth, with a transplant, is 20 years. And he got this transplant when he was 3 years. For 3 years he was only in the hospital, as a baby. They were tracking his heart. If his heart would shut down at night, boom shock him to get him back to life. All of this. He’s looking normal, but very stretched and a very big head. But still normal. Everybody was taking care of him in class and he was like a gray mouse. You never notice him. He’s always there, but he never says something, he’s sitting there. But somehow.. First of all my mother always told me that, “never go with the strongest, always go with the weakest. Because in the end only the weakest are the ones who are going to help you. The strong don’t need you. Always help the weak and they will be there for you if you are weak.” This is something my mother always told me. And somehow, you know.. I don’t know if it was this saying that made me like this, but I always was like this. If I compare, you know, I always was the best friend with the strongest.. but on the other hand, the guy in class who was the weakest, man. Who everybody was fighting. I was taking care of him. Like this one Romanian guy, when I was little. He did not speak german and stuff like that. I took fucking care of him. I said like, umm.. I got this umbrella, come under my umbrella. For me it was just very easy help. And.. somehow.. they usually told me like, “Hey Danger, man. On the one hand you’re our best friend. But you know.. on Friday and on Saturday, always the party is more important than we are.” For example like, if one friend is tired and wants to go home. I don’t go home. I said: “No man I’m gonna stay here.” Only because of party, a small bit of trust was not given to this person. These important persons. At this point I was like, fuck it I go to parties. But after it was like he told me, “Danger man, you’re such a good friend to me, you’re like my best friend. But.. sometimes, you know.. I don’t know if you’re my real friend. Because always it’s the parties that you prefer over me.” I was like, “Yeah but dude! Come with me to the fucking party and we’re gonna have the fucking time of your life! I’m smiling, I’m super happy! You’re the one depressed at home and you don’t want.. But let’s go to the party, let’s have fun! Come with me. I have this feeling.” At this point I did not understand that maybe at some points my friend just needed support. So yeah.. He was telling me this, because he’s really honest with me. And.. yeah man.. I partied too fucking much. All the time.. If it’s 5000 parties in your life or 5001, this Friday cannot be the fucking best. You always feel like that. Then I realised that, huh it’s not so much about the parties. I started to spend more time with my girlfriend.
I changed flat in the last semester, because my roommate was already finishing his studies. So the last semester after Budapest, I was looking for a new flat and I was living with a few guys. And somehow, you know.. they were partying like hell and I was always going with them and spending huge amounts of money. Then also because all of my money was going, my girlfriend told me like, “Danger.. you’re so fucking stupid. Take care of your friends and your money.” I was like. (Inhales deeply) Ok.

Changed my life. Come back. Take care of my girlfriend. I was working, working, working. Got my job. I started working at this company before I wrote my bachelor degree and my bachelor thesis I wrote in 10 days, 60 pages. About a business idea. Focus on work, like, hell. I.. I don’t know if anyone will believe this, but.. for like 10 months, I did not sleep. I really did not sleep from Monday to Friday. Maybe in total 5 hours. In 5 nights. Because I was so stressed. I have a fucking high limit. Normally people pass out from that. But.. I was there, going to the office. In the morning I was not always the first, but I was there at 8 am or 9 sometimes and then working till, minimum, 11pm. Straight man. No lunch sometimes, no breakfast. Most of the time only one meal during the whole day. Sometimes I would be sleeping an hour or two in the afternoon and, okay fuck man. Get a sandwich and go back. Working again. 11 o’clock my boss was leaving. He’s like a fucking intelligent investment banker. He can speak in front of people like.. the shit. He’s the best speaker I know, like Steve Jobs, I would say. Fucking master brain. Also a millionaire, who is 40. Did not work for 5 years and got bored and now is like, ‘Ah I’m just gonna set up a new company.’ My father knew him and said: “You’re gonna work at his company and you’re gonna become fucking rich, Danger.” I thought, ok why not. He’s a really fucking awesome boss. He’s still partying. Taking cocaine and he has a fucking nice flat. Nice Porsche and blablabla. I was looking at him and thinking, wow how cool man. How rich is he.. We would go eat fucking oysters and you know, steaks and had gin tonics and went to the best club in Munich and spent there 1000. I was like a part of it. So I had this pressure.. This was the pressure that made me strong, I think. Of following him, not being weaker than him. He was the one taking me under his umbrella, somehow. Then he was leaving at 11 and I stayed till 1. Go home. I was home at 2 and my girlfriend would be asking me to come to bed. I would smoke some weed and feel really bad. Like, why am I not hungry.. Oh my stomach hurts, ah my back hurts. Ok, go to bed. And I was rolling and rolling in bed and talking to her. Getting my phone, 4 new emails. I don’t know from China or some supplier.

So yeah.. I was there working as a marketing manager. I was there as the first employee.. actually I was the 2nd employee, there was a guy there two weeks before me. And one girl, but the girl already quit. And the guy, he was a master brain. He was fitting in the team, because he was very intelligent. The boss only searched for very intelligent people, because everybody has to work from 8 in the morning till 11 at night. Working 200%. So if somebody can’t run with us, he was kicked out of the company. Like almost every 2nd guy who came was kicked out. Too slow, not exactly doing his job, boom ciao. So.. this other guy Mathias, he’s like a fucking freak. He was working with me and he was my homie. We were sharing for 10 months this very little office. Desk to desk. And then you know like, employees, 5 people there and 5 people there. We had students coming for internships to work there. And I was going crazy. But I liked that experience very much, because umm.. it gave me the trust that I can be a manager. Because my father is one. And I felt like in university, I never felt like I was enjoying this. I was always thinking, phoof can I make it? Because my bachelor is fake. I was just studying one night for the exams and forget about it afterwards. I don’t care about how to calculate the cashflow to. Of course if I check the formula I can do it in one minute, but I don’t remember. Stuff like this. And yeah… I don’t want to work in this kind of business, anyway.
So I worked there 10 months and during this time I had maybe.. 3 breakdowns. First was umm.. I passed out. I came home after work, after weeks of not sleeping, the day before my grandfather had died, but not my real grandfather, just the new man of my granny. So he died. So.. yeah I was crying a lot the night before and going to work again. Like, really exhausted. 0.1% of energy and.. then I came home from work, took a large bong hit. Sat 5 minutes on the sofa with my friends, not listening what they were talking, because my mind was totally empty. This was the usual scenario. I was just there, mind dead. Then I was like, ugh I want to smoke a cigarette. I was smoking at this time, because of all the stress, you know, to release the stress. I was going to the balcony, and somehow, very crazy man. Like, it was the first breakdown I had that I felt coming. I had one before because of alcohol, but it was like, boom and I was gone. But this time I was like, I was standing there and wanted to smoke a cigarette. Then the cigarette fell down. I was like, wow why didn’t my fingers work? Then I was going down to get the cigarette and I could not get up anymore. I was on the balcony, trying to pull myself up like, come on man stand up, stand up. But my body had no percent of energy anymore. I wanted to go up, but my body was shutting down. Two weeks of maybe having 15 hours of sleep. I just could not sleep anymore. My mind was running at like 3000. It was too fast. I couldn’t sleep, because I was always thinking, thinking. I had 200 things all the time on my mind circling. There was no chance to meditate or something like that. And yeah this was the end. This was a burnout for sure. Then I was there and my best friend pulled me up, he was worried and asked what’s wrong. I said: “Man I have no power, I don’t know what’s going on.” And then.. the sky.. was like umm.. a red net. I saw a red net from the sky that was bombarding me. And I started to hear this deep wobbling sound. I started to only hear this. It felt like a computer game shutting down. I told him: “Man let’s go inside.” He was helping me inside and I took one step inside and he couldn’t hold me anymore. I was walking, but while I was walking I lost consciousness completely. And then boom, hitting my face on the floor on the carpet. I was away for 5 minutes. I woke up on the floor with a blanket on top of me and my friends splashed some water on my face. My friends said: “Man you passed out like shit.” Also while I was there I had this vision. That the soul of my grandfather, and mine are meeting. It was like a lava lamp. Like 2 lava balls are meeting and become like 1 lava ball and then splitting. I don’t know. This strange movement. Kind of like liquid, but not. It’s strange.
The next breakdown, I was at home, at my parents. I was completely exhausted and then my father told me something. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but he said something and I became fucking aggressive. I’m never aggressive, you know I hold back my anger for 10 years or I don’t have it at all. Or how to say.. it wasn’t even aggression, it’s like fire in you man. Just fucking fire. You want to like burn. I wanted to burn, to shout and scream and cry and pfft.. He told me something that I’m not doing a good job or something and I was.. I was expecting that he would be fucking proud. I was working everyday my ass off.
I don’t remember if I made the decision before or after the 2nd breakdown, to go to Africa Burn. Because this is going to be a turning point in my life. And I was umm… I was super unhappy man. I was fucking unhappy.

In December I had my first holiday, my first long time holiday for two weeks. Before I might now and then take a Friday off and go to Italy and sleep two days at my girlfriends house. To calm down. This was my only way to calm down, to go to Italy and be with her. And now I was super exhausted. Working 6 weeks from Monday to Sunday and also writing a bachelor thesis for my friend, writing two exams that you write at home. I was writing for my friends. I would go home at 10, completely exhausted already. Go on the laptop and write until 2 o’clock in the morning these exams for him. And then next day again. Even more exhausted. My girlfriend told me, “Danger you are so fucking stupid. You have to say no, once you have to say no. You will go crazy if you do like this.” But I was like, I will do it, I will do it, I can do it. And I could do it, you know. Somehow I found the energy, but I was completely, yeah.. poofed. Like a zombie, really I was a zombie, but a brain zombie. Then I was there on the holiday and I really, I felt power again. After weeks and months, wow man two weeks of holiday! Family! How cool is that, I can go chill with my girlfriend and hang out there. Ahh, to just have a great time and relax. And… I went also went to this christmas party that my boss had. He had a nice apartment in the middle of Munich and we were going to Metro, this fucking big supermarket where you can buy Argentinian filet and everything. We were there and there was no fucking lemon anywhere to be found. My boss took some Argentinian beef and checked the price. One was 260 euros, he was like taking 2. 500 euros for meat, for 20 people. He was like, “Don’t care, it’s for the company man. It’s christmas, don’t care.” 12 bottles of nice wine. We made like a wine tasting there in the shop. Huge loads of food, just incredible. We were there at the party and I was like, yeah we made it, you know. This was like a goal in business. I was helping to pull up a company from 3 people to 20 people in half a year. I was working every fucking night and day. I was like, okay, now we got it man. It’s running. We got money, my boss showed me, hey we got money. I spent it. He was like, hey thank you for doing so much work for me. Cool, cool.

The next day was a bachelor party. Umm.. We have from, like the private university. Super fucking rich shit. We have in the best hotel of Munich and the whole.. big room. Nice tables. One ticket was 90 euros. We came with like 8 people. All of my mates were flying in for this party. From London and all over. Everyone was stoked like, yeah man! My roommates and everyone. I was in my room sleeping, super exhausted. We had to be there at 7 for a photo shooting. Everyone was late and I was late. We were coming there at 7:30 and the photo shooting was over. Like they put the stuff away and told us that, ok it’s starting now, go inside. I’ve just had a huge, massive fight with my girlfriend. Like we were on the brink of breaking up. Even her father called me, he’s a fucking cool guy, man. He called me to talk with me. So didn’t have much to sleep the night before, because I was crying a lot. And this day I was really not feeling it to be there. I was really down. I did not tell my parents before I came there about what was happening. I was just like, I need to go there. My father, man. Hah.. Pure hate in his face. “You fucking idiot. I pay 30 000 euro for this fucking university and there is only one thing your mother wishes you and I wish too. That we come here and we get the photo of you with the fucking hat on. Stay here and get this fucking photo, you know, for the album. And you come here and come with a face like this.” My grandparents, my other grandparents, my parents, my father.. just death. My mother.. fucking disappointed. My brother in the back. I was almost crying. “Why you come so late? The photos almost over. This is not nice. You know how much we payed for the ticket? Where is your girlfriend?” I told him we split up. “What’s that? You tell me later. Let’s go inside.” We had dinner, not talking for 20 minutes. There was no talk. Everyone was cheerful, yay we got a bachelor. And wine and champagne, nice fucking food coming. And our table was, silent. I had two of my best friends with me, they were trying to cheer me up like, hey Danger it’s not so bad. I try to explain, but no chance to explain. We were sitting there for like 2 hours. And maybe talk so much as we two talk in 5 minutes. The whole table, 8 people man. Yeah.. and then.. I could not sit there anymore. Because all of the eyes on me. What should I do? I’m so fucking sad. I cannot smile today. I cannot. And nobody was understanding, everybody was just fucking angry, because I come fucking late. Who cares how fucking late it is. I would always go out, I would say I need to go to the toilet. I bought like 4 gin tonic, boom, boom, boom, 4 gin tonic. I go to the toilet. Go back to the table, sit there again. I did this three times. And… yeah.. after two hours I was fucking drunk man. I knew this was the only chance to get a smile today. It was not possible. Then I was drunk.. yeah then somehow a little bit of talking, you know, smalltalk. And then my father came to me, “Danger this is a shame. A shame what you are doing here in front of your family. We are going to see when you get your degree, but then we leave. We don’t want to be here anymore.” I was like, “Dad.. you have to understand. My whole life is fucked. I have no fucking energy. I did not sleep for weeks and months, and last night my girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me the first time. I did not sleep the whole day. I have to come here with 7 people in the taxi, all of them were late. What can I do man? You know.. you have to help me.” He was like, no. He was fucking hard man. He was like ice. And to my mother I said the same, I was hugging her, please understand. She said, “No Danger. This is not normal what you are doing here.” I was like pff, I’m depressed. They cannot understand. I have to function, I have to be normal. I have to force a smile and be sociable. But I was not able. Like if you’re in a stock, it’s the down point. It’s the fucking down point. And yeah.. they left, I got fucking drunk. I was sitting in the back of a club. Everybody had champagne and I was sitting there. One girl was there with me, “Danger come on. It’s not so bad.” I was just, my life makes no fucking sense anymore.

Then I had the two weeks of holiday like, crying, figuring out like, what the fuck should I do, you know. Skiing and at home. Ah it was shitty. You know, if you have too much time and you are depressed it goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. Agh I did not know this feeling, I never had this before in my life. It was really a fucking mental breakdown. Then I was going back to work. Like, ah I have more energy after two weeks of no sleeping. Boom, back on the same track. So much work, incredible amount of work. I was working for 3 or 4 persons. Really, not slowly. Then I had once a talk with my father.. and.. my mother on the couch at 9 o’clock in the evening. In the beginning it was a simple talk, I was on the way to leave, I remember. I wanted to go somewhere. Then my father started, yeah you’re not caring about your job. You’re not putting in as much effort as you should. I was like… “Are you fucking insane? I’m killing myself to.. to work there. To make make and to make you proud and go on this fucking business way I was supposed to be on.” Then he was telling me something that I have to drown or something completely stupid. Somehow at this point when he was saying this, I fucking had a breakdown. Like, I cried, I shouted at him. Like, this is not fair. You are so fucking unfair man. Doing this more for you than doing this for me. You paid all of this for me and you expected me to be like this. Now I am like this and now you are telling me I am wrong. It’s not fair, you know. Yeah, but I always had to do what you want to do. But yeah, it kind of was my own fault, because I did not say no. But somehow, he always was like.. parents always push you in one direction. Like giving you dreams. Like, you can do this and that if you do this and that. I was like, yeah yeah yeah, my fathers giving me this advice, yeah yeah, why not why not. So always coming to this business track. But it was always me who said, yeah I want to go to business school, yes I want to go to Vienna, yes I want to go to Munich. And pfft. It was strange. So I was accusing him umm.. for.. you did this to me, now you’re not proud. I’m gonna fucking quit my job. So he was like, “So what are you going to do when you quit your job? You know it’s you, it’s not the job.” I was like: “Dad.. it’s the fucking job. I don’t want to work in a fucking office like that. Like a stupid idiot. I understand systems like this. This is a system, a machinery. This is slavery for me. And.. I want to do.. you know, something special.” And.. yeah.. then the seed was in me, of fuck it all. And then it was in March.. yeah in March I think I made the decision to go to Africa Burn. Because my friend has been there already, my ex-roommate, from two years before. He told me, “Hey go there and change your life. Because there’s so much love and you’re gonna find your inner true self.” And before I went to Africa Burn I was thinking about like, I wanna go there for a long time. Like 10 days of just calming down. And after the Burn I wanted some time to reflect, you know. Not just come back and instantly work again.

The christmas holiday did not like bring me to complete relaxation. And… Then I go to my boss. I shit my pants for a week to go there and quit. I was like talking to my friend, writing down what I want to tell him. Then I was going there and I was fucking nervous. He is always like super chill, like sitting back in his office chair and just saying in a very relaxed and friendly tone: “Hey Danger, you wanted to talk with me? What’s going on?”, I was like.. “Yeah, I want to talk with you.” — “Yeah what’s up?” — “I think.. I think I cannot work here anymore.” — “What do you mean? You want to go to the next office? Or?” — “No.. I just think the office job is not for me.” — “What do you mean? Like, man.. You’re sitting in one fucking big board and next year you’re gonna get a fucking big bonus.”, I was like, “Yeah.. but I think I cannot do this. It’s too hard.” — “What do you think? Like too little money or you need less working time? We can give you an assistant.” — “Uhh, no no no.” — “But we can do something, let’s talk about it.” And before that I had some talks and I was always like, ‘Hey can I have someone who helps me?’ There was someone then coming. Giving him some work, but within one week I was like again in my channel and he was just one person that I used as one little playground. And.. still 90% left for me. And… yeah… I told him no chance man, no chance. I still have 4 weeks of holiday and now it’s like March. I’m going to work till April and then take my 4 weeks and go to Africa Burn and I’ll come back in May and you can pay me until May.. you know because I have so much holidays left. I did not even ask all of the hours that I worked double. I really.. to be honest I worked probably double of the hours that normally I was paid for. Then I fucking quit. He said to me that: “You can’t quit, you’re involved too much.”, blabla.. I said: “Yeah, but I’m sorry. I cannot sleep anymore. It’s like really hard. My body is shutting down. I need to change something.” He was like: “Yeah.. ok, if it’s really like this. It’s your decision.”, so I will be away for 4 weeks and then I come back and work for 2 more weeks and then see where they need me. So if there are some questions, I come back and can answer them in the 2 weeks.

Then I was going to Africa Burn. Completely (Breathes out calmly)… drifting, you know. Like ahh, it’s so nice. Love and love and love and love and love, man.. 10 000 people and everybody fucking loves each other. Everybody is smiling. Everybody is hugging you. Everybody.. You hug 1000 people in one day.. everywhere man, you hug everyone. You just roam around, jump and jump and jump and you cannot sleep, because it’s so nice. So many nice people, it’s… Fire show there, whaaat. Concert there. I don’t know, trampoline artists there. There’s a burn at night and next burn. Techno train, naked train. This party and that party..
Yeah and there it was really the first step that I saw that being alone is very nice. Because before, for my personality I always have umm.. a lot of male friends. Like bros. Always around me, you know because of university and also I think it’s my character to always have like many many many many many friends, do a lot of stuff. It was some kind of safety zone for me. And yeah my girlfriend always was complaining, “Please Danger, spend some time with me.” I was like, “Yeah okay on Saturday.” Then on that Saturday one guy like: “Let’s go fishing.” other guy would be: “Let’s go for lunch and in the evening go there and meet this girl and afterwards go party.” Then I was like, hmm.. to my girlfriend like: “Yeah let’s go to the lake. Super nice. Then we can do this and maybe we can do this for you.” I was just involving her into my plan, you know. Not like doing something for her. Just fucking riding my horse.. all the time. And I felt some kind of bad, but.. I don’t.. I could not say no to my friends. And.. yeah I never could go anywhere without them, man. I always felt like, ah I need them. If I was 2 days in Italy with my girlfriend, it was nice, but I was like I wanna come back and sit with them and drink some beers and smoke some joints. Umm.. I don’t know, talk guy stuff. Not girly stuff. It was kind of really stupid, because it yeah.. my personality was going smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller and just living on the outside and not living on the inside anymore. And combined with the weed, yeah.. it was pretty hard, man. Because with the weed you try to like go inside, go inside. But you only living on the outside so your life is stretching.. One extreme to another, like always in my life.
And.. yeah.. at the Africa Burn I lost everyone on the first night. I was like, (Gasps) I’m alone, I’m scared. And then, it was so nice, I had the best night. Really, if somebody asked me, what was the best day of your life. I would say Africa Burn. It would be in the top 3. But.. yeah, it’s number 1. Because I cannot remember another nice day as that. Man, I was so free. I was unchained. I was coming.. you know, I saw this fucking whole way I was on from education to business. I was cheating in all of them. I did not do one fucking thing that interested me. I was just, you know.. pfft. Like I said, writing the exams like nothing. Just wasting, you know, my mind and my mind power for stupid fuck. 80% of this is stupid shit. Sure you get some mathematics, some english, some spanish, you know like basic behaviour stuff. I was unchained from all this, understanding that on top this working experience completely exhausted me. It was.. I put too much in it. I could not say no. And now I was at the burn, making my own decisions, I’m on my own, I’m on my own fucking way, man. And I did not know where this journey would go. And then I had like pff the nicest 5 days. I wanted to stay there, even after the festival was over. I told my friends: “Please let’s sleep here one more night, in the tents, it’s so nice.” — “No Danger, we have to go.” fuck.. no. Please not normal world again. Yeah.. then I came back and I had fucking many ideas in my mind. So many ideas. From this festival, so much inspiration, so much talking, so much you know.. power. And I came home and had collected a lot of stuff. Then I worked for two whole weeks for the fucking company. End of may, you know, perfect timing. June, July coming, everything would become green, summer is rising. I was, you know, rich and I could do anything I wanted to. My parents could not say anything. I had been working, I had my own money. Yeah, then I had the greatest summer of my life. From June till September. When I came here in September. I mean, I arrived at Sri Lanka in September.

I met some new friends. I knew them already and they were pretty close from my home town, maybe 30 minutes with a car. And they were like the fucking.. the coolest guys. I met these guys some time at a party. And they were cool, because they were fucking real. Because the world I was living in, the fucking university and private school and that. All of the cool people were playing a role and I was playing a role as well. You know, playing this game. Like, ‘hahaha we are all cool, because we do this together.’ And the people who were real, were the losers. The nerds.. we would call them nerds and freaks and everybody would be laughing at them. Like, ha ha he likes flowers, he is gay. But he might be a great botanic. For example. A great drawer, a singer. Then I met these guys.. and everyone had their own passion, you know. Like this one guy is working with wood and he’s working like crazy things with wood and everybody loves his work. And.. now he’s got his own company already. But he’s fucking cool man. In every party, the one on the bar completely wearing shitty stuff, like super crazy, fucking awesome. Nice guys. And if you talk with him, like you’re doing this role-play, they wouldn’t be too interested, because you’re unreal. And this whole crew of them is like super real. And every time I had like.. fear, to talk to them. Because sometimes, you know.. my.. the role I was playing, was not working there. Because they saw that I’m not authentic. You know, I was like talking shit. Saying things that I think I should say, not saying things that are normally coming out of you, without using your mind like: ‘What can I talk, how can I be cool, what do you think about me.’ Things like this. Then I met him at the burn, well it was a group and especially this one guy. I met him.. it was a very nice situation. I was walking around like, in Disneyland for adults, man. So nice and then there was this tent, there would be playing slow music, like only old hippies dancing. Then there was this… this tunnel, this channel on the dance floor through 50-100 people and I saw this guy. I met him before only like, haha hey what’s going on, just small talk. Then I saw him sitting near where the DJ is.. on a box. Sitting there and I saw him from 100 metres, there was this channel like through all these people. I was not on drugs, only stoned. I was like, wow. Then I go there and it was really like a.. like in a movie. Then I go there to him. “Hey man, what’s up, what’s up?”, Because he was looking like really deep into… I was like what’s up and he was looking at me like, very scared and this fear comes to his face. “Can we please go?”, he asks. He had been there for 2 hours on a fucking mushroom trip. He was like, where am I? Like only crazy people. He was hyperventilating a bit. I was rescuing him from this situation. I was like, “Fuck, I found you.” Lost on shrooms in this festival, phew you could lose your mind probably. And then I took him like, “Wow man let’s go out, here’s some water.”, whatever I had, I gave to him. We were walking around and like 2 hours later we took MDMA. I took MDMA the night before for the first time. Like very small amount. Boom, best night again. He bought from the same guy I bought, because it was my ex-roommate who was selling. We were like, “Should we take one….? Let’s take one.” We met his friend, his awesome friend. And he also was already on one. Some time later we took a half again and wow this night was crazy. Fuck.. And we were searching for sticks, you know like sticks, for walking sticks. There’s just so much nice shit laying around. Everybody losing something and getting it again. You find bamboo and whatever, man. It’s so cool. Everything you find you can take, because what you bring to the festival you also have to take away. So keep it and maybe you can fit it somewhere in your nice dress and haha.. Yeah then we had some sticks and I remember there was this very nice umm.. butterfly building, but this was huuge man. There was a dance floor on the middle on the second floor and from the outside there were like butterflies, like they would be swinging from something and they were made out of wood. And there were steps in between the wings so you could go up there and dance there. And inside there was the DJ. There were like 500, 600 people dancing and we were going upstairs there, above the DJ and the floor.. where the wood was, there was these nice stars, like very nice made. And we would sit there, with everyones feet together. It was like some kind of ritual. Feet, feet, feet, we build again a star and everybody would be making these heavy breathing sounds. Like full power. Really, no control. I was not thinking about anything, not watching anyone, not worrying about anyone watching me. I was just enjoying. I stood up and danced around. This is so amazing. Then the DJ came up and like, “Dudes.. sorry but.. you’re killing my sounds. You’re stomping so loud.” He was directly under this wooden construction hehe. Yeah, then we left and we became super close friends. From this day… from this day he was my new, let’s say best friend.

We spent the whole summer together. I would call him to hang out and if he had to work, I would be super bummed. But yeah, going to parties, going to different countries, going fishing, going I don’t know.. visit girls, going to visit different festivals, so much nice shit together. He would stay at my place, I would stay at his place. This was really an amazing summer, but… I smoked almost every day. He’s a little bit older than me, like 30. Yeah, we would be going on the weekends and I was with him in a club and I tried coke. With him I tried different kinds of drugs. Yeah… again you know, spending lots of money. But in the end, to be honest.. I was very happy that time, and I was not fucked, because I was sleeping well, I was umm.. eating well and yeah, I had a lot of fun. I had good friends around me. I wasn’t in this girlfriend or friends, I was 100% friends. It was a very good feeling. Then I felt like I want to travel, I want to be on my own. This was all too much for me. Also I don’t like Germany, I don’t like the system, I don’t like what’s going on here.. and… then a lot of people told me like, “Ah we’re going to Sri Lanka. Weather’s nice, surfing’s nice, landscape’s nice, cheap.”, And so I somehow, it was only 5 or 6 days before I took the flight. Just thinking: “Ahh I’m going to Sri Lanka, it’s too much, it’s too much. And the summer’s ending, fuck it. I’m gonna book a ticket.”

I was there at my first hostel at night, it was raining. Water would come inside and my bag was wet. I was like, what the fuck man.. Next city, I get a nice apartment for 5 euros, one night and then.. And you can rent this apartment to someone else for 20 or 25 euros a night. In the end I rented it for 40 euros a night, still paying 5 for this guy. And so I thought, I can make some business here. I got some friends on the beach, the beach boys you know. And smoking weed every day, like phew, 20 joint in one day. The whole day. I would go to the beach in the morning before breakfast 1 joint, during breakfast 2nd, after breakfast 1 more. Go swimming and come back, 1. Have a.. I don’t know, a nice lassi and have 1 or 2 more joints. Then maybe organise some things and have a beer, have a joint, have a joint, have a beer, have a joint.. Until 3 o’clock in the morning. I don’t know, 20 euros or something for beer, every night. Every fucking night, man… Yeah, there.. then I had this feeling of.. of becoming a junkie. Because sometimes, I filmed myself and I cannot show this to anyone, I took some videos of my own to remember about this. I was in my bathroom, like white in the face, super out of space and I filmed myself and I could not even look at myself, because I was so fucked. I drank so much beer there and smoke 20 cigarettes and 20 joints. Sometimes also hard liquor. I really wanted to.. hide something? Enjoy life to the fullest? I’m not so sure. I haven’t reflected on this so much until now. Why did I do this? Why? Why wasn’t I like now, I do yoga in the morning, I read a book and go surfing. Why was I the whole day.. getting fucked up. Because then I wanted to like rent a flat and it took me one and a half month. I could have done it in two days, with this working power that I can do, that I normally have. I was just like, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. All the time and to all things, tomorrow tomorrow. Days were passing.. But finally I made it, 1 room, 2 room, then I got the house, ok. Somewhat the business was running, then I met Frederica, a girl and yeah, I had my new comfort-zone. Yeah.. we had good sex, it was pretty good, you know, Portuguese girl. Nothing to do, so.. When I was with her I downgraded a little bit, this consuming. Because I fell in love. I really fell in love. But umm.. somehow, that’s what I can reflect now and already have a little bit, umm.. after my ex I was hurt so much I was like, “Ah I need some.. I need love.” and I’m looking really for this and.. I was like a new seed, you know. I was like, I just need the first earth to.. get love again. She was the first girl that I was taking home and I was like, won’t you stay longer. Yeah she’s nice. I told her I love her and that I want to marry her, that she’s the perfect woman and.. you know, she’s the same way as me. She was a lawyer for 7 years and in Lisbon, she broke up and umm.. I was like, fuck man this is my new girl. Putting all I had, all my love into her. And she completely fell in love with me, because.. I was raising her to heaven. And then… after 3 or 4 weeks of having a fucking great time. We were at a party and I was at a bar and some guy gave me 3 gin tonics and offered me weed the whole evening and I bought one round of gin tonics back. And on this day I was low on cash as I didn’t go to the ATM. I told her, “Ah somehow this business is not running like I thought. I don’t know if I can make like all of the money I put in the investment in one season, I don’t know if I need two seasons and I only wanted to stay one season.” so like this talk and in the evening I was going to the bar and bought like 4 gin tonics for everybody. But it was just a payback, normally I act like this. I know, this is me. But this really.. she got 3 gin tonics before and I got the 4 gin tonics. Then she just told me that she doesn’t like gin tonics. I was like, “Uhh? Why did you drink 3 then?”, she just replied in a sassy voice: “I don’t like. I told you.”, I told her I would have noticed this, but she just kept on saying that she doesn’t like it. I then shrugged it off and just said, “Ok, don’t drink. It’s fine. Give it to your friend?” then she said: “No. Why did you buy it if you said you have no money?” I just told her to chill out that the guy bought me like 3 drinks. Now I wanted to pay for the drinks, but noticed that I lost my money. I’ve never lost my money, but on this night I lost my money. But only the bills, because I had my surfing shirt. And.. I told her: “Hey I’m sorry, but I lost my money. Can you please pay this?” Boom! Volcano. I was like: “Ok. Fuck it all. Take the fucking 4 drinks, I’m going to the ATM and afterwards I’m going home, bye bye.” I told the barkeeper: “Hey, I lost my money. I’m going to the ATM and will be back in 5 minutes.” Yeah, ok, cool cool. I left there. Didn’t talk to her and was going back and my phone is ringing, “Hey Danger, where are you? Why are you running? Are you mad?” I told her yeah of course I’m mad. Then she just exploded and said that she’s fucking mad. Hahaha. I thought like, are you insane? I was expecting her to say sorry. I’m still peaceful you know, I’m smiling, what the fuck is up with her? I’m asking myself, what was going on in the last 3 weeks? “Are you coming back or not? I can go home with the tuktuk.”, she shouted to the phone. I was like, “yeah, sure I’m coming back. I have to pay my bill, you know this. But obviously you want to go home on your own, because of this mood you’re in with me.” Boom, boom, boom. Some little fight. I go there and she was there. She said sorry, putting it on the alcohol. Saying this is her drunk ego blablabla. We we’re dancing for 5 minutes and I can see in her face that the smile was not real, you know. Then I did some wrong moves according to her, but I can’t remember precisely. It was something like, I had talked to a girl or went to the toilet and didn’t tell her or something like that. (Mimics rapid machine gun fire) machine gun in my face again. I was like, fuck it.. “Fuck you, I go home. I cannot handle you when you’re drunk.”, she was running after me sobbing: “Danger, let’s talk about this, let’s talk about this.” I told her: “What the fuck do you want to talk man? I want to have fun, and you’re acting like a bitch. So now it’s me going home. What do you want from me?”, She just told me that she will come home with me. I told her it’s not a good idea, but if she really wants just hop on the scooter. She jumped on the scooter and we go home. And yeah.. the next morning, then I realised.. This is when I realised like, no no no no.. A woman flips like this, I cannot trust her. She is too emotional or I don’t know.. sensitive or crazy ego.. I don’t know.
My ex was more balanced, more calm. I could always talk normally with her. Like ah, either one of us did a mistake, talk about it and be normal again. It was super cool, our talks.
And then I was like one week of not really talking to her. She got upset and saying, “Is there a problem? I thought you loved me? Where is the love you showed me? Huh? What’s wrong with you?” like this. She was just, give me more, give me more, give me more. I was tired of this and told her: “How you do, it’s too hard. Love is soft.”, and… yeah after one week I wanted to fuck her again, because really the sex is amazing. Ok, then we met again and at some point again and again. Then she was coming back and I was forgetting about what happened. Then it was again two nice weeks. Going to the beach and having a great time. She got drunk in front of my eyes the 2nd time and the same shit happens. And.. I was just, what’s wrong with you. This night I went home alone. And I didn’t talk with her for two weeks. We had big things planned for us. We would go to the burn and we can marry in the burn and go to Madeira, and go to Costa Rica and blabla. All planned. But it was too fast. Yeah.. it was too fast. But it was a very good experience for me, in life. To fall in love like.. like crazy. You know, no border. No reflection, no thinking about anything. Just phoof, let it all flow out. And if you have this flow in your life and if you can handle it, man. I was so full of energy and happy. That’s what I’m now looking forward to.
Yeah and then I was together with her and felt she’s not the one. The more I ignored her, the more she wanted me. I was just pushing her away. I was together with her from November till January 2016. But it felt much longer..

But yeah then I was there in Sri Lanka and one guy.. that I did everything for him, man.. He stole my iPod. Another guy stole my cap, and another guy stole my passport. Local guys. He wanted to give me a visa, and I gave him my passport with some money. He had it for one week and I asked where my passport is. He told me tomorrow. Then I was getting worried, because my visa had already expired. I told him I was getting worried and he just told me: “Eeh, don’t worry. It’s in Colombo and the guy will come on Friday.” Friday passed, no passport. “He will come tomorrow.” Saturday, no passport. Sunday, no passport. My brother was coming for christmas and.. I was going to Colombo, the main city, to pick him up. I told the guy: “Man, I’m going to the main city. Give me the address of your guy working in the office and I will go get my passport. Because it’s expired by now.” yeah and.. then I was going there, calling this guy. At first he said, yeah yeah let’s meet. Then I had to call him like 30 times, no answer anymore. Writing him like, “Dude where’s my fucking passport? I need to go home soon, please answer.” Then he called me: “Man.. you know what’s happening? Your friend is playing a fucking big trick on you. I don’t have your passport, I’m not even working in an office. I’m just a guy who he’s paying that I should tell you a story that I don’t have your passport. This guy is playing a big fraud on you, make sure you go to the police and don’t trust him.” Then I was on my way back, with my brother in the car. 2 days before christmas. The guy has had my passport for two weeks. I gave him a lot of money. He’s playing fucking against me. He has keys to my house and he knows I went to Colombo. He knows I will call this guy and he knows that I will not get my passport. So about 4 hours drive there and 4 hours drive back. So probably in this 8 hours he will come into my flat and take everything. You know camera, laptop, everything I have. And.. I had these fucking plants in my house.
As had happened once before on a weekend. I went away for a few days to check out some other beaches. When I came back my landlord told me that the police were there and the plants are gone. Because this guy had my key as I asked him to water the plants while I was away. The landlord asked me to pay a lot of money for this trouble. Now I’m thinking this landlord and him were playing for the same team, with no police involved. But I don’t know even until today, if this is true or not. Then I was like, shit.. he’s playing the same game again. Now he’s taking a huge fucking amount. I was going home like crazy. My driver, I told him: “Hey man, can you please help me? You’re the only one who is not involved in this area. I have a fucking big problem, you know what’s going on with me as you were waiting there with me. You heard the calls.” He agreed to help and now I’m trusting this new person I met since 5 hours. Umm… he was going to my house, he was checking if there had been anyone breaking in. Nobody broke into my house. Then I was ok, phew. Calling the big guys. Long story short. Big guys were helping me, money guys. Going there to scare him as fuck. So that he would give me back my passport. I got these guys from the taxi driver, he was like, “I know this guy who owns a restaurant. I know this one owning a hotel. I know this one who is playing in the national cricket team.” And they all, you know, they’ve got big cars, they have houses. They have nothing to lose and they see that fucking.. they call it ‘the cheap people of the beach’ are ripping off the tourists. They are sleeping on the beach, man. They only take drugs and rip off people. The money I gave him he spent in a few days, because he’s completely uneducated. He’s not buying a scooter or anything. He’s just poof, spending it all. This was very stupid of me, but also a big lesson to not hang out with guys like this. Because I always was like, yeah you are the cool guys, taking as much as possible. This changed my mind to take a step back from any kind of narcotica. 
Yeah and uhh.. finally got the passport back and yeah of course there was no stamp on my passport either. I had to go to the tourist office, driving 4 hours, waiting 3 hours, pay a fine for being late and then driving 4 hours back again.
I was telling him: “Dude, if you don’t give me the money back I will go to the fucking tourist police. All your friends stole stuff from me. And you have my fishing gear. Man.. you’re no fucking friends.” I did all for him. He was living in my house for free. I gave food to him. I gave him every fucking thing. I gave my scooter for him on several days. I did everything for him.. after all this he stole my passport, he stole my money, he was doing wrong and in the end he was saying: “You are such a motherfucker, I’m gonna bring you in jail forever. You never gonna leave this island again.” Like this on the phone. I was like: “Man.. you know I have a fucking good heart and you also have a good heart. We had a great friendship. Why you’re doing this now?” He just got upset and said: “What I’m doing? What I’m doing? You’re the one telling to go to the police. You want to treat me like shit.” I was like: “Yeah.. but my money.” He just kept saying that he doesn’t have it and will give it back later. I was like, “Yeah yeah, for sure..”
So I was like ahh… very disappointed, of human nature. The deepest disappointment. Because I gave a lot man, I gave a lot. He had a dog, I bought fucking food for the dog. And a chain. Taking him to the veterinary and getting it checked. I did all for him, because he was poor. He was, you know.. he needed help. And I was helping him and in the end he just.. tried to milk me empty. In the end he was telling me: “I don’t care about fucking people like you. You come and go. I don’t care.” I was like phew. And before we had talks, like maybe talks like we’ve had. About karma, about buddhism, about meditation. We’d go together through the jungle. He was my friend, man. We were 24/7 together. He asked me advice on his girlfriend, I told him my advice. We did barbecue at night, you know.. At the beach.. helping together. We were friends. And in the end he ripped me off like this. Just switched, like boom. But in the end it’s cheap people, junky people.. junkies. But he only smoked weed and drank alcohol. A lot of alcohol.
I think it’s just because he’s not educated. Because he was one of the most clever guys there. You know, all of the other guys were like taking the money on the first week from guys. And everybody was like, “Hey, be careful of this beach boy. He’s a criminal. I gave him 500 for a beer and he never come back.” Then you see him on the beach and he’s running. Stuff like this, it’s stupid. But this guy, he was playing a fucking big fraud. He saw me and thought, “This guy is naive. This guy stays for 6 months. I’m gonna be his best friend. Live on his money all of the time. And in the end before he leaves, I’m going to fuck him over, really hardcore.” Why this is always happening, people told me the guy who was last summer there. He was completely ripped off. With laptop and camera and the whole room. Gone, like this. So yeah, I guess I was quite lucky. Umm.. yeah.. So yeah then the Portuguese girl, Frederica. She told me that that this part of Goa is nice and that I can calm down there blablabla.

Then I came here and… I did not know what to do with myself. Because I was very depressed from this experience. You know, because I’m trusting in human nature. And.. then here I got from Lorenzo this fucking Nepal temple hash bowl and I smoked it the first week. Only on one day I would, you know, I wake up, smoke. Just putting this pain away. And I was like.. sometimes I was crying and I was drawing, I was writing, you know… So first week only smoking and staying in Lorenzo’s flat. Umm.. you know it was some kind of.. coming to my own.. coming home to my own. Because, you know, before in my life I always was like giving a lot. I’m giving a little bit less now, but still giving and giving and giving. And at this point I was like, fuck it. I’m on my own, I’ll do it on my own. I don’t invest in other people anymore. And for one week I was like.. Ughhh, I cannot do this man, I love to be with people. To talk and be good and.. have a great feeling. You know giving and getting. I don’t know…
I mean.. I do have two friends who would go through fire for me.. but still eight others they would do all, except die for me. If I would call them now like, “Dude, I’m in jail here in India. Can you come?”, they would be here tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. And yeah.. so, this is my safety-zone. Always was. Like this, nobody can do to me anything, because all of my friends are like super strong and helping. I don’t know why I need this safety-zone. Psychologically this would be very interesting. I… I cannot reflect on it now.

So, yeah.. I came here. First week of only laying and smoking and being lazy. But it felt good. To be only on my own. Listen to music. I was drawing, I made nice pictures. I was like getting nice ideas about a company that I would like to set up. I was doing these sketches and I remember this note that Lorenzo left me on the balcony, “If the internet is not working, try to meditate, because all questions cannot be answered by Google. By the way new password is Love is all.” I was like hehe nice. The WiFi name was ‘Life is best outside’, and I was one week inside hah, with this WiFi. And then at one point I tried to meditate and I remember, I sat down and I don’t know why — I was not thinking about my ex a lot, sometimes she would pop in my head I would think, “Oh what’s up with her?” or she would send me a message or something like this. — and.. I sat down and I wanted to meditate.. after 30 seconds I started crying. And you know what came to me? Like, fuck.. why are you so far away from her. Are you losing her? Is there a chance of getting her back? Why are you here? What the fuck are you doing here? And then I was like, “Ahh Danger, you have to go through this.. This is why you travel. You want to be alone. You want to make steps and.. now you build up something, your new comfort-zone. You exit the comfort-zone. Now it’s the start of something new. And now you can decide.. Do you want to have again cheap friends. Do you want to have a girlfriend? Do you want to set up a business?” You know, like making decisions. But for one week I was like numb. Not making any kind of decisions. But I still wonder.. if I’m running away from being alone.. and if this is the reason that I want to get back together with my girlfriend.. and to come back into my safety-zone.. and in one year I will be in the same point again and in need to break out again. To realise, I need to be on my own or.. if it’s like really true love and I should stay with her. I need to open up with her.. because before I always was, you know, giving her like 10%.. 20% attention and she was loving me so much that it was enough that the relationship was functioning. Now I realise, when I was with Frederica, how much love I can give. Because I gave her all. She was almost the only person there. In the beginning it was so intense. So good feeling from the heart and soul. I was so happy everyday. And now.. I will try it with my ex-girlfriend. With this first boom, firework, I want to stay on this level. I want to write this down also, probably on the plane. I wanna try, I will give it a chance. I don’t know if it’s only an excuse to coming back to a safety-zone or if it’s really important. But yeah… this situation made me think a lot. Why my body was waiting that I.. One, stop. One, stop. I was just sitting down like, stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking. And then like this thought came and hit me for half an hour. Go back, go back, go back. And uhh… yeah then I was like, ugh I don’t know.

Then I was just hanging around here and meeting new people. Writing and reading. Then I went to Anjuna and was caught by the police. That night was umm.. when I smoked my last joint. So after ten days in Goa I stopped smoking weed. So that night.. I hadn’t smoked for three days, then it was 2 o’clock in the night. I was like, ehh fuck it, let’s smoke one more joint. You know what thoughts came to me after these three days of pausing. I smoked and I went crazy on my phone, I had this message on my phone. I need to go home, I need to set up my business. This is my way, I’ll do it like this, I’ll do it like this, I’ll do it like this. I was like fuck.. my mind is going crazy about these ideas. I felt like I need to speak. So I started talking to myself. I recorded this talking and it’s like 42 minutes long and I didn’t pause in between. I was just talking and when I finished I thought, ah I think I’m gonna roll another one. I had it, I had it in recording. The fucking masterplan. So I rolled this one like, ah you have your masterplan, now this one is the present for this. Cheating myself. Going out and the police caught me. And.. yeah, that was.. intense. They told me I have to pay. A lot of money. I hopped on the bike of one of the officers. We went to an ATM. I took the money and gave it to him. He takes it and tells me to get back on the bike. But he just kept driving around. I’m shitting my pants. Man, I’m really scared, I don’t want to go to Indian prison. Then I started talking to him. About his family and this and that. I told him: “Please what are you doing, just take me back.” He kept driving around. And finally after who knows how long of driving. He stops and I get off. He takes half of the money and gives it to me and says: “I see you are a good person. Here. You help my family, now I help you.” Then he drives off. I’m left there shaking. I go back to my room and since then I haven’t smoked.

It’s very nice that we have this talk now. It’s like I’m ending my life, in the past. And going home from India and making a big change. Oh, I forgot it again, I forgot.. I was 2 days of fire. Like, I want to do this and I want to do this. Ah maybe no. Danger you want to be on your own. Do your own thing. I was thinking of going to Australia, do some work there. Maybe go to Nepal. Maybe do this yoga course. I would have the money in the bank. But I was like, hmph I don’t feel like paying 2400 euros for a yoga course, just for 6 weeks. Yeah, it’s nice but.. what’s up with your mind. You don’t know what to do after this 6 weeks. Nepal.. I don’t feel like I have any energy to go through the hassle. Being like, jump jump jump jump. I don’t feel like anymore. I wasted all my energy for this in Sri Lanka. I’m a little bit tired of traveling. It’s hard to say, but it’s like this. It’s always the same. You have nice dinners, go on the beach, have nice talks. And.. that’s almost all there is, like all the time. I feel like I haven’t taken many steps. I.. I want to have something with sense, in my life. And I couldn’t see the sense anymore. Like.. my personal development was ready and because I had to make a decision.
Yesterday I was still thinking, of doing this and this.. You might have felt it as we were in the flat. As I was thinking about this and that and this and that. Then I took some LSD, a small dose and in the night on the beach.. I was thinking very clear. Like this was the most clear— I had the 3rd time these coming through me.. “Oh man, you should go back” This is.. mother earth, yeah this feels so warm.. in the right way. Why am I taking the wrong way? Why take the hard rocky one. Yeah, maybe this decision I will regret, but now I feel like this so I want to write it down like that. I hope it’s going to be the truth and my feelings are not cheating me. And yeah.. that’s now the point where I am. Go home in three days.. I will ask my ex if she wants me back. And let’s see.. what happens. I hope she— because she’s the same like me, every 2 weeks I would ask what she wants to do, “Yeah I want to do an internship in London.” What do you want to do?, “Yeah I want to study food management in Spain.” Yeah what do you want to do?.. She is always jumping from there and there and there. Now she is flying to Spain and looking for universities. She is a little bit like me, you know. She is an artist girl, a free soul and… she’s not fitting into the system. But she is still a little weak, making decisions like that— because she still wants to be.. uhh, that interesting nice business girl that is not a very typical woman, but is a strong woman. She has like this.. but on the other hand she is like very mother— motherly.. love. It is like a very different kind of personalities in her. And I would love that.. I killed my business personality. She should kill hers. And both we are going to set up this artist company and maybe a homepage or whatever.. you know, go on this creative way of life. Take her by the hand and show her the way, because I’ve got the balls to do the initiative. To go to India, to do something for yourself. But yeah, I would love to share this with her and take her hand and come here to Goa again next year and you know do tantra together, do meditation, do yoga. Go to Australia, you know, work there. As a couple, because I can give so much love and.. and energy, to my male friends and everybody around me feels very good. We have a great time and I make everyone smile, like all my effort. Because sometimes when I’m in a bad energy or sick, under the table. In Munich really, I go with my 8 friends, we go for dinner. Every week we go for dinner, it’s like fucking fun. And then when we go to the dinner and I’m sick or I don’t know, somethings on my mind that’s making me sad. And I’m there and I’m not talking.. or putting the energy in the situation. 7 people are like, meh.. on their phone and.. maybe some chit chat, what’s going and like that. Just sitting there like— Everyone of them is so fucking interesting, but they don’t function. It’s always me like who starts some topic. Like, “Dude, what do you think about God?” And then blablablabla. And then to someone else and has his own meanings to the subject and just getting this conversation going and everybody’s enjoying, me as well. Getting all of the minds turning. Yeah.. this.. I can do this and now I really try to focus this talent— I would say— on my girl. Pour all of what I have inside of her. And you know raising her to a next level. And then grow together, that’s the best.

India is.. India has rooted me. And.. by rooted I mean.. It brought me back to where I am.. Maybe it was me or it was the environment. Probably the environment, because in a big city you cannot do this. Mm.. India is a melting pot.. yeah, for creative people and.. it gives a lot of inspiration and helps you.. to jump over your fears…. It’s all about getting balanced and.. finding inner harmony. That’s the.. I think this is now my biggest goal, finding harmony.


I think my biggest passion, really.. to be honest is.. helping people to achieve, the next level. Or a higher level. Helping them on the next step on their life. And yeah.. I feel like many people are coming to me with these problems. They are just naturally coming to me. For example this one guy in the festival here, because I did not know him. It’s like some totally unknown guy just sitting next to me and saying, “Man.. I need your advice.” He was talking with me for half an hour. And then he wanted to have my advice. I was like, “Ok, I’ll give it to you.” Easy. But yeah, this I would say is my biggest passion. Umm.. what I really love doing without any effort.. and second, like what I like to do as my hobby, is fishing. But this is for me like, for relaxing. Like meditation. I think if I would become a fishing instructor, I would become bored. Then it would be too much.


If you don’t know what’s happy.. you don’t know how to.. smile naturally. You’re forcing the smile. The essence of happiness for me is no worries… yeah.. and having a sense of life. You know, you wake up in the morning and live the whole day for a sense, or a goal, and then you fall asleep. Then in between, you’re always happy. But if there is no goal, or if you’re thinking about the past or something, you become unhappy. So yeah.. somehow you have to be like, yeah.. it’s about being in the moment, but also some kind of being in the future.. for me, you know.. And if you have this— I need this, to be happy.


I don’t know.. I don’t know if I would say Shamanism… because you know, I really like to help people to come out or.. to.. to get their minds running. Because so many people are like stuck. That’s also why I like to grow marijuana, to give to my friends. Even the losers in the university parties. The losers, I gave weed, like a medicine.. I saw him suffering for a year, being like this in class. I was like, ok he’s a nerd. But in one party I was like giving a joint to all of my friends and I asked him, “Hey man, do you want to smoke?” And I wanted him to smoke. Go help him calm his mind, and probably he vomited or something. But I’m sure that maybe.. he saw something. I hope that he saw something that maybe helped him and let him understand something.. Because for me marijuana is always like the mother that is taking you on your hands. Taking you from your hand and helping you back on your right way, of life. So this.. Like if you combine this with my biggest passion. Somehow it’s my religion, but.. if you ask me in my terms of, if you would ask me like, “What is your God?” Then I would say I don’t know yet.. probably I will never know. It’s too big. Everybody tries to get the answer. This mysterious thing, behind life. One calls it like this, one calls it like this. We are right, you are wrong. It’s a stupid game. And for me, as far as I can think. You cannot get the answer. Maybe the answer is some kind of enlightenment. Like the kind people know here in India. I think that’s the furthest that you can go. Becoming a Buddha. So.. I would identify myself most in the Buddhist way of thinking, but.. in the end.. my code of life is just helping.